Friday, January 11, 2019

A Visit to Stonewall



One of my stops for this New York trip was Stonewall. On the corner of Christopher Street is a store and then Stonewall. For those who are not versed in gay history, this is a registered landmark. Back in 1969 the Stonewall riots demonstrated a moment when gays stood together. As you cross the street you come to a park for Stonewall.


I was excited to learn that bars in New York are open till 4 a.m, compared to Maine where they close at 1 a.m. Dennis, Bill, and I went out to eat at  Friedmans after our adventure to Rockefeller Center to see the tree. Tons of people, many ethnicities and languages, taking pictures or trying to take selfies with the tree. On the corner lot was a lego store, displaying a Harry Potter castle. While we attempted to enter, there were just too many people inside the store, outside in line and ones that had taken a number to come back. Dennis suggested we go for a much-needed drink at Stonewall. We took the subway and walked about ten minutes past all the colleges. I noticed it first. The neon lights shining through the locked Stonewall Park. "Stonewall."

After figuring which door was the actual entrance we walked in. Nothing special in appearance. No surreal experience noted. There is a long wooden bar with stools all being occupied by locals. There is a pool table on the right with a few seating areas already starting to fill in occupancy. At the end of the bar is a light gray atm across from the bathrooms, but they do accept cards. There was rumored to be a second floor - at least from my research. We sat in the back at the table next to the large wall mirror. Across from the mirrored wall was a seating area. A boisterous black man dancing to the music is having a mixed drink while his male and female friend are enjoying beers. Naturally dancing with a mirror is good for seeing how much of a superstar you really are. Self dancing will be a whole 'nother posting, but you have to ask about that story.

Somehow I got edged to dance with him. I had gone outside for a cigarette and watched the tourists snap photos of the plaque and of themselves in front of the landmark. That bicardi and coke went down fast and I was back at the bar for another. There is a blonde guy drinking a beer with a female friend. I make some comment to Dennis about how funny it was to pretend to have a sip, when their beers are empty.









As I waited for my second drink at the end of the bar I continued to watch people go into a closed door on the right side of the atm. Could this be; the second door?

What goes on the second floor? The door opened and we went upstairs being the first people to explore. There was an oversized bouncer at the top of the stairs. We stayed for a while to see what kind of dancers or characters we may see. A few drunk straightish friends were dancing together while their friend was just vogueing it out on the floor, whether he had picked up the beat. Across the small dancefloor was another black guy smashing up the dance floor with his dancing. It would be only a few more days before Madonna showed up with her son for New Years. This was the week for Lady Bunny shows, which will become food for thought for tomorrow. Twenty-five dollar ticket with a minimum of two drink purchase.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Afflictions & Fits



A week ago I became afflicted by something most terrible. The darkest place of my soul had surfaced. There was no warning. It came as a tsunami leaving devastating blows to the fortress I had spent building up my whole life. I can be socially awkward - the type that is there without emotion. Much like the thinker sitting on the toilet thinking. I have a hard time responding to certain emotions and touches from others. This was the crack in the dark place in my soul I had wanted to cover up and not deal with. . . my emotions.

When I began my schooling to become a nurses assistant it was instilled for us to not get attached to the patients. It would interfere with doing our jobs. Taking care of people became nothing more than factory work. They were not people, they were just numbers, diagnoses, insurance companies, and procedures. Other co-workers had issues dealing with dead people they had became attached to. For me, it was part of the job and had nothing to do with the person. The facility wanted the body clean, packaged, and ready for pick up. The next patient was on their way and waiting on the bed. Nothing seemed to phase me the slightest, I could do deal with anything -- I did not have to feel. It was a sub-conscious decision. When my niece died I could handle all aspects and details without becoming afflicted. My grandparents died and I had no affliction. 

This was not hard to do for me. They rarely appeared. I stood there looking up at the sky at the moon. My eyes became wide as the light from the moon penetrated my dark eyes. My body unable to move. Memories flashed before my eyes of the past seven years. It was being pulled together in a central wave. My tear ducts filled so fast. I couldn't see out of my eyes. They had become so full that my cup runneth over. The dam had been taken away and the tears run onto my cheeks through my beard. My body in shock still unable to move. My voice - gone. It was like yelling so loud and no one hearing you. The duration for this fit lasted 17 minutes. It seemed to perpetuate itself exponentially it came and went in full throttle.  I had to change my shirt. I was feeling extreme happiness, sadness, loss, and death all at once. 

I did not know what to do with this. It scared me. There have been a few scary moments in my life. In elementary school I would have these fits of anger. I would throw my desk, books, take down bulletin board and needed for someone to listen to me. No one did - instead just sent me down to the principles office. Nightmares started - the witch in the window, the devil on the playground, the chocolate statue, drowning in water, and falling into dreams with a pop.  Memories flashed before me of happiness, loss, sadness, and death. The tsunami of tears came in waves as I lay there frozen in time. 

I needed to hear him sing a song. His smile made me smile so big cheek to cheek. I was yelling - but it fell upon deaf ears. I needed a release. I found someone who would understand; another Libra. We discussed rituals, men's studies, college experiences and even listened to the same type of music. It was like he took part of my own music library. His stories about Copenhagen, Sweden, and Finland kept me interested. He understood me on a different level. It had been a while since anyone had stimulated my mind. He was interested in what I had to say, and I was interested in what he thought. It was very cerebral - like third eye insight.  This enabled me to accept the present as such, not relive the past and perpetuate it into the future. 

I asked for a hug. I needed one. I was met with four taps on the back. I was giving acceptance, love, and happiness. Not sure what I got in return but accepted it. I smiled - mesmerized myself with two blinks and flew away in my mind to write. 










Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Moon Messages


Taking a jog around the track under a bright orange moon was just what I had been waiting for a magical moment. The sign has been released after following me for nearly a month. It started at work. I was waiting for the yeast to rise to make donuts. I sat there on the ground having a cigarette and the sky opened its light. The first time it was a full moon with one star. I thought one is shining brighter than the other. I thought go ahead you can be the moon, and I will be the star and let you shine brighter than me.

The next month another full moon with two stars. The Big Dipper was above my head. I thought its a sign. I will be the moon this time, I deserve to shine brighter than you.  The next time the moon shown herself was tonight alone big and bright orange. My favorite color: orange.  I danced in the grass alone with a sense of easiness and freeness.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

What is Pride

I sit here once again listening to music amidst the commotion around me. Being free is like this: You are standing tall looking ahead body erect and at full attention. You are in complete and utter happiness. That happiness you have in your face; that is pride.

I am taking four classes this semester, not the six I wanted. Two sociology classes: Cultural Diversity and Sexual Orientation both taught by my favorite professor. The other two are with a Native American of the Passamaquoddy tribe; Substance Abuse and Developmental Disability and Psychosocial Rehabilitation.

My sister, Amy is in two of my classes.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Christmas Past Christmas Present

I sit here at Bob’s with a coffee, half-smoked joint in the ashtray and a cigarette in my hand listening to Brittney Spears; Three. The light is emitting from a plugged-in plant light in back of me hanging on the white wall. The weather outside is a very brisk seven degrees; on this December 29th, 2009 evening at 9:35PM.

I got back from an eight-day trip to Hodgdon, Maine three days ago, saw my cardiologist yesterday afternoon and had court this morning. I had Bob drop me off at Greyhound Bus on Bates Street on the 19th. We had a twenty minute layover in Bangor. We switched onto the Cyr Bus line. When I arrived in Hodgdon Josh was waiting in a van with two cousins.

We drove to his mother’s house. Dave was in Caribou with his mom. Christmas Eve we drove to Carol’s house and spent some time with the family, where I was again introduced to his grandmother. The first time was at the hospital for Joshua’s Aunt Sally when we went to pick her and her husband up. Josh and I went to see Avatar at the local cinema.

Tina let me use the family car to go to the movies, rather then sitting around at the hospital. I parked the car in the front of the cinema. A van pulled up beside the drivers’ side with two adults and three kids. We walked inside got our tickets and Joshua pick out some seats in the front. The movie I concluded before seeing it was a virtual world like World of Warcraft with a camera inside following a few key characters. What a long movie, I moved around my butt in the chair changing positions many time trying to get comfortable. Another James Cameron movie, for those who have seen a great movie called Titanic, you know it’s long. The movie was about two main characters that connect through lying in a box, like a suntan bed, where they are sedated and live through a lab-created alien body in another world full of color. A virtual world where a person can breathe, run and talk to others with first-hand narration.

One evening I went to a Beano game at the tribes’ hall and went to a Christmas event for the kids of the tribe. Alex was a hungry girl. I had met Alex who was bartending at a bar in Presque Isle when Josh and I went up for a visit. After many snacks and determined to win she walked away at the end of the night with the money she had left over. Grandmother had one a hundred dollars that evening after grandfather had lost some money somewhere.

Joshua told me to look and see how integrated the Indian blood had gone. There were many more white children then those with a darker complexion. There was a long line for the children to see Santa Clause. They would go up and get a gift from Santa. Something I remember doing at a local hall when I was a child with my sisters and my dad’s family. I was probably eight years old of younger. When our name was called we would go up and go up and get a gift. We also went to the nunnery and got gifts from Sister Dalpe, Sister Annette and others, and the many years we got gifts from the staff at St Mary’s Hospital and the Grey Nun crew.

Christmas Eve we went to Carol’s. Grandmother and Grandfather were there. Grandfather caught a few winks of sleep on the couch with gifts under it and Christmas songs playing through the playstation. Sage was there.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

I close my eyes and wish to be somewhere else. The white screen types away the letters from my fingers as my mind is filtered in an audio realm. I move in the darkness and feel free.

I can say my genre of preference is europop. Akent - Thats My Name is good.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Short Story 2012

It was November 23rd 2007 when I received the box. It had been sent wrapped in plain brown wrapping paper with a hand written address. I picked it up and heard it roll. I placed it on the nearest table I could find and quickly opened it. Inside was a metallic box about a foot in diameter.

The cigarettes here aren't what they use to be. When the blast happened I had not thought about cigarettes to store.

I turn around the metal box looking for an opening, its surface smooth and flawless except for a round circle. It wasn't until fall of 2008 when I was able to open the box. The day it happened was a typical moving stuff out of storage I had been collecting. Just throwing it in a box and packing it away. I sat on the carpeted floor with the banana box, the box they use to ship bananas, in front of me and opened it. I heard the phone in the distance and had placed my left hand on the metallic box and it made a noise. I hadn't noticed it at first with the ring of the telephone. I picked up the phone.

"Hello"

"Is this Hortense Faucher speaking?" the voice emitted from the phone.

"Yes it is. May I ask who this is?" I replied.

"Repeat the letters after me, p,t,n,i."

"P, T, N, I . . .what is that?" I questioned as the other line clicked.

"Please hang up and try your call again. If you need help press zero" the recorded telephone operator beamed.

I placed the phone on the receiver and walked over to the banana box. It looked different this time. There were eight letters blocks, small wooden pieces with letters like from the game scrabble,: i,e,f,j,p,s,n,t; and four slots to hold letters in. I looked at them and starred as my mind tried making sense.

"P, T, N, I." I said aloud. All the letters were there. I put the letters in the slots, thinking I had figured out the riddle of all riddles. I sat there and waited. nothing happened.

I went in the other room and started to unpack books to go on the bookshelf. After throwing them on the bookshelves I decided to categorize them. My psychology and mind collection had been my passion. I wanted to read anything from the early pioneers of science and psychology. I noticed one book had a piece of paper sticking from the top. I pulled the book out and opened to the page. Staring on the blank page were four letters: I, N, T, P. The book was about Myers Briggs and the development of personality types. I raced to the box once again and rearranged the letters. Instantly there was a puff of orange smoke that blew from underneath the letters and splattered my face. The letters had fallen into the open box that had a scroll inside.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Gay Men together: The Review

Gay Men Together: The Review

I sit here in front of my computer; and have processed the retreat from last week. I am always looking at little details that can be annoying at times, but as the Adult with ADD the moving things catch the eyes but our ears are increased in radar skills.


Week Before
I sit there in my car. Taking the overstuffed overnight bag from my friend Bob leaving the bright yellow flashlight with black trim and the red sleeping bag bought at Mardens still in the bag. I come into my room, bedroom, whatever you wish to call it. I flick on the light. There is a closet to the right, a queen size bed with a sandy colored comforter. The desk, nothing more then a cheap kitchen table and two chairs placed on opposite ends from the Ramada Hotel when they were getting rid of their old chairs, using one side for computer stuff and the other side for drawing.

I throw my green overnight bag, unzip it and open the closet. I am naturally bad for matching, which is why I try to buy clothing in one shade, I put three change of clothing per day, besides what the clothes I currently have on. Shorts, underwear, socks, short/long sleeve combo and corduroys. Then a few towels, toiletries, a sweater, a rain jacket and an extra hat stuffing in the sides I then grab my laptop and place a notebook and pen in the front pocket and go into the kitchen adjacent to my room.

I unplug the camcorder from charging and put it into the camera bag. I take a trash bag and roll my comforter up like a sleeping bag. Then I put them all in my car. It was hot on Thursday. I remembered trying to finish quickly because I thought the plastic trash bag with the comforter would burn up for some reason.

I pick up a coffee at Dunkin Donuts, large cream only, I start driving up north as I plug in the GPS. ‘When possible make a legal u turn’ a female voice said coming form the GPS box. I turned around and headed to Sabattus/Wales. GPS made me go in an odd loop as I approached where my Aunt Joanne lived in Sabattus next to the High School only to turn onto the road that I was already on. I continue driving noticing all the buildings around me and thinking they were interesting.

I notice the sign on the side of the road after ‘you have reached your destination’ blared from the GPS. I take a left onto a dirt road. There is a white house on the right side. I park there for a moment. Looking into the window for a light, “hmm; no one here” I go back into my car and light a cigarette starting the car. I back out and continue forward on the narrow dirt road, the green trees on the side make it enclosed. I continue going another mile or two till I pass a few open spots. On the right was a bunch of picnic tables in an octagon shape and on the right side was a fresh green-laid lot.


I pull into a parking lot full of vehicles, not really knowing where to park. I see an empty spot but a jeep is in front me. I park in back of the jeep and step out and look around. I get out of the car and head to a building with a rainbow flag blowing, thinking to myself, this must be it.

I walk on and see a man walking outside. “Do you know where I go to register?” I ask, noticing his nametag said Charlton. He stands tall, slender build, form fitting clothes smiled, “Yup follow me” he said and started walking toward the building in through the porch door. I followed like a puppy dog noticing the shiny metallic purple decorations sticking out of a box in the corner of the porch. I walked in through another door into a large room, and finally into another door. The fire place was to the right and a dozen of men or so were in the room.

“Joe will check you in and then I will show you around.” Charlton said. I looked at the desk and there was a man sitting, I assumed was Joe, later confirmed the name on his tag. “Whats your name hun?” he asked.

“Paul Cote.” He looked through his list and confirmed contact information as I slid eight twenty dollar bills to his side of the table.
“Is that your mazda parked out back of me?” a man said to the left.
“yes it is.”
“I need to go, can you move your car?” he asked.
I got my keys out of my pocket and followed him. Joe commented to Charlton to remember what I looked like and to look for me after I come back. I walk to my car and stick the keys in the ignition. I move the stick into reverse and go into another section of the parking lot, settling next to Bruce and Alan’s vehicle. I get out and go back to the lodge. Charlton motions me.
“Take one of the big brown bags, and the envelope with your name on it.” I do as he instructs.
“You know what cabin you’re going to?” Charlton states.
“No” I respond.
A shorter husky build man popped over. “Hey, I am Ken; I can show you the cabins.”
Ken goes out the front door with me following close behind. I notice his firm buttocks almost instantly and his demeanor. We walk to the left cabins. I notice pink pieces of paper attached to the cabins. “Reserved” printed on them. As we continue down to the end there is none without a pink piece of paper. “Looks like there is none here on this side, lets go to the other end.” He turns around and starts back to the lodge and continues past some pink flamingos.

Another pink sign on the first few cabins. “should I have reserved a cabin? I question Ken. “No, theres always room, some people just prefer to stay with certain people” he instructed me. Cabin #1 turns out to the lifeguards’ cabin. We venture on past a few more pink signs. I thought for a moment; is this a good sign having all these pink signs on cabin doors. It seems like people who might be new this year or doesn’t reserve get stuck pretty much with leftovers.
We walk to Cabin #2. “How about this one” Kens says standing in the cabin.
“Lets look some more” I tell him. We head into Cabin #3. Ethan, recognizes me and comes over to me hugging and getting all touchy-feely. “You should stay here” he tells me. I tell Ken I will stay in this cabin reluctantly. Ethan follows me to my car as I unload my bags. He takes the laptop bag and the sleeping bag and I take the other bags and head over. I am in the top bunk, Ethan on the bottom. A full cabin from the looks of the mattresses covered with sleeping bags and pillows.

I place the green overnight bag on the bed with my comforter. I unpack some of my toiletries and place them in the bathroom and above the fireplace. The woodstove is in front and unlit at the moment. Ethan’s computer is adjacent to his bed as he shows me his fleshlight and other misc items he brought. His computer is on and he is looking through his music.

Thursday Night
Snoring in the room as I lay there looking at the curtain.
Smoking Tent. [Jack, Joe, Charlton [talking about getting filled and his hair curl], Ron [brown university costumes bulging jeans], Bob [cigars], Dan [photos]

Friday
Pasta/Meatballs
Moved into Cabin #13 [Paul, Guido]
Opening Night with minister and his son
Opening Ceremony
Gay Jeopardy – Alan in the same group left handed.
Cards

Saturday
Workshops [Focus Group]

Kitchen Duty [Salad, Meat and Naked Waiters, Mike]
Carl and Ethan playing guitars together.
Talent Show

Sandwiches/Hot Dogs
Steak/Tofu

Sunday
Brunch
Walking back and Carl is playing his guitar.
Closing Ceremony

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Pucker Up

Does it ever stop? I tell people what my friend Heather informs me: alcohol brings out the nastiness of Paul. To be honest – I don’t even remember a lot of time the incidences, sexual partners and events escalating to the point… blackouts. With the lapse in time in question, I can hardly be to blame. My mother laughs when I tell her I can switch. “Yea right” she exclaims from the chair she sits.

She sits there in a wooden chair made by Thomas Moser in front of a computer that came out over five years ago. The monitor displaying some word game she has mastered after many hours of devotion. How is it that one can be two? Libra’s strive for balance, through the scales depicted in most illustrations. Is it the world around me I am trying to balance or the being within? Case in point: Am I an Introvert or Extrovert?

The pendulum swings between the substance(s) used and the environment.

With alcohol beer is a slow process and promotes lots of visits to the toilet. I prefer dark brew yet a clear Corona without lime is ok. I do not care for canned beer after Rodney, Chris and I decided to pound down a 24 pack. Don’t ask me when, that is fuzzy.

I used to drink vodka. When I was a teen I would go to my other mother’s house. I would do a shot of vodka, usually the cheapest, in a metal measuring cup. Then the smell made me want to vomit.

Red wine is nice. Bitter and Dry. I like a good pucker. White is ok also. Red Wine after about three glasses makes me a bit warm and sleepy. Lena also enjoys a good red wine.

Bacardi and Coke is my usual. I used to be able to handle my alcohol, if that is the case, and stop at three. One drink for myself before I would attempt at being social with anyone. Two was the social drink where I would look and start socializing and putting in request for music. Three was for the courage to go out dancing and work off the buzz.

Many a times I have been barred from Sportsman's Athletic Club intown, mostly for music issues – breaking my own CD’s from a DJ refusing to return them to unplugging the cords to the system. I cannot say I had a clean appropriate mouth if the music wasn’t danceable. My entertainment went to shits and now I need to find some other type of entertainment…the people.

Could it be what the ego and the id are? I think its time for a visit to Freud.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Generational Care

I sat there smoking with my friend Heather after making a batch of cookies with Pam and Evan. At first, the intention was popcorn balls. But after consulting Google about how to freeze popcorn balls people posted that popcorn is not good to freeze. When it thaws out is makes the popcorn balls soggy; something my dad on the way home tonight commenting on how that happens with bread too. I walked in and place my baking bag; nothing more then those green bags Shaws sells near checkout.. or was it Wal-Mart?, anyways, on the table aside the basket of folded up laundry. Which I later put onto the chair next to the window spotting an updated application to look like it was stained glass, very nice indeed. I starting pulling the stuff out on the table that we would need. I took the vanilla out of my bag along with the baking soda and the stick of butter, and grabbed one out of the fridge and placed it on the sideboard. Nikki was doing dishes with one part of the headphones on her ear and the other side was lifted up, so she could listen to her ipod and also here what is going on around her.

Pam throws a small outburst because Nikki and I decide it would be better activity for their school vacation. So then resumed wiping dishes while Evan was upstairs cleaning his room and moving the toys into the closet. I went up to check on him.
I stood at the top of stairs and listened...there was noise, but as I peered around the bend of the wall he was on one side toys and belongings scattered around the floor. I told him five minutes. I went downstairs and started with Pam with the 2 eggs, tsp vanilla, dash of salt, tsp baking soda , 2 sticks or 1 cup of butter thawed,and 3/4 cup of white and brown sugars. Pam cracked the eggs on the side of the table, after I told her it would be wiser to do this over the sink...she opened it over the sink, but still cracked on the table. "No shells" she said. Next she added the rest of the other ingredients and Evan came down to do 1 stick of butter and mix while he and I added 2 1/2 cups of flour. Next they spooned in 1/2 bag of chocolate chips and 1/2 bag peanut butter chips and licked their spoons and started working on the beaters. "Sometimes the batter is better then the cookie" Pam said. Then Evan and Pam had their own pan and spooned the dough and put them in a 375 oven for ten minutes.

The first batch, because of the oven temperature, were burned on the bottoms. The second batch went into the over lowered to 325 for 10minutes and placed the cookie sheet on the third notch. I allowed Pam and Evan they could have two cookies and the spoon/bowl, but they need to do the dishes after. Each taking turns did all the dishes - except the pans which I did. The second batch came out perfectly browned and chewy. Reminder to always take them out a little sooner then a recipe calls for. Insert a toothpick or knife into one of the cookies gently and pull back. If it comes out clear, chocolate or peanut butter does not count, clear. We put them on the table and scooped them into a bag moments later.

So, upstairs I was finishing a cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette. Heather tells me of the classes she wants to take... I am not sure if she thought the company was going to pay for them all or what, Principles of Supervision and something else. I then got a phone call from Amy, my dad needed a ride because he was at my grandfathers.

Meanwhile on the other cell phone, Becky called as Pam brought i up to me. So i sat there in the chair with Amy talking in my left ear and Becky in my right ear. "Ok" I say "I'll pick up dah at papae's house in twenty minutes." After I finish my coffee and Allison tells me about her current cheerleading practices, I proclaim I must go to pick up my dad. I got to my grandfather's house and pulled in behind my grandfathers car. I walk up the stairs and into the hall, my dad and grandfather are there. "Are you ready" I ask my dad.
"Yup" he responds. We get into my car and it is silent, besides Ryan Seacrest's American Top 40 playing.

"You still making popcorn calls?"
"No, we decided to make cookies instead. I guess popcorn balls don't freeze well. They come out soggy after you thaw them out." I tell him while adjusting the heater in the car.

"Bread is like that to." he stated. Then we start to talk about papae. John is working/driving and is away. I tell my dad who is watching out for papae, he needs a chauffeur or someone to care for him some. What happens if he goes outside and slips on some ice. My dad confessed to papae eating premade stuff, nothing homemade, which is sad. Mamae always was cooking something.
just sits there in the kitchen and nukes up something in the microwave.

"
I always remembered the table being full of different kinds of food when I ate over. Now Papae needs to go into some sort or retirement home. There are people his age to socialize with, which is good. Who does the shopping anyways?" I ask my dad.

"John probably; all he eats is ready made stuff." Something my dad has always become aware in his home. My mother does not cook; her current food choices are: noodle soup, egg noodles with friend onions, fried hamburger buns with mustard, or microwavable french fries.

"Well I thinks it was nice of you to bring papae home; we don't need him a ditch r anything" I tell my father as we pull into the parking lot and I walk into my room passing: Aunt Tina, Uncle Romeo, Marie, Becky and her kids, and start writing while listening to Amsterdam Dance Event Tunes 2008 .

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Daunting Dreams

I sit here in front of the computer screen waiting on the coffee to finish brewing.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Creative Writing Summary

Karen E. Bender -- writing

In Bender's writing piece, Refund, we go through a story where a middle aged couple with child in financial distress come up with a plan to help there finances. They will rent their apartment which is close to the towers for $3000 for a month. They receive an email and a the money, while the occupant, Kim, stays in their home for ten days the Twin Towers go away will 9-11.


Kim decides to leave early because of all the stress and mess. She sends Clarissa, the mother, an email demanding that she refund her money in full. Clarissa becomes a worried after the harassment continues. Clarissa sends an email back at the price she thinks is appropriate for the amount of time she actually spent. This does nothing with Kim, who ups the refund amount to $54,200 at the end of the story. Kim tells Clarissa that she will not stop the harassment until she gets her money.

I found this story enjoyable and easy reading. The little drama of a refund goes a long way to carry this story through to the end. Bender's writing is done well as you can see she has practiced a lot, and like to talk about love, politics and religion.

My Pet Taur

I was overjoyed with the news come by father in a letter from the north when I was ten. The letter said I was old enough to get my own pet and would have to choose amongst the great pets in the land. Father brought me on his Trojan horse to the druid master, Lychen, to choose.

We rode two days until we came to l’Acadie, where the druid master lives. “Cen, my dear boy, may have one pet from all the great pets I have encountered in my travels” Lychen said with his cold blue eyes. I looked and saw a room full of great creatures.

Tucked away in the corner he saw a sparkle and he knew he must have him. The steed was my age. “Father I want this one” I exclaimed with excitement in my eyes. He stood there sipping water from the fountain.

“His name is Taur” Lichen said as he same over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “He has great power and one day that power when the time is right will become part of you. Here is a special saddle be careful”

I rode along side father on Taur. He was white with big strong legs and a headband encased with purple jewels. Taur jumped around with glee as he told me about where he was from. Taur grew up in the outskirts where the water crosses the path of the Indians. When his home had burned down Lychen rode by and saved him from the flames of death. That’s why he had the headband. With the jewels encased he could perform healing and protect his owner just as Lychen had for him.

Upon arriving home I took Taur around the camp to show my friends. They commented that he was a little off compared to the great hunting pets they had and couldn’t see past the jewels as they made fun of him. “Come Taur it’s getting late, father will worry.”

Mom and I made a special bed of hay for Taur next to my bunk. I sat there all night watching Taur sleep.

When I was thirteen a great storm had come, I had fallen off the roof helping father getting our home ready. I was paralyzed from my waist down. The doctors told me that I would have to wait to see if I got any use of my legs again. They did not. Taur told me that it was time the moon would rise tonight and tomorrow I would be able to walk again. He told me I would be great with hunting and to not be frightened.

The next morning I awoke. I didn’t feel any different until I stood up. Taur was gone. “Taur… Taur … where are you?”

“I am inside little Cen. Do not be frightened. Together with my great legs and your body we have become one as my father did years before. We shall be called Centaur.”

Monday, November 12, 2007

Myers Briggs--INTP [C'est Moi)

INTP is one of the 16 personality types defined in the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). I will assume that visitors to this page already have a basic knowledge of the MBTI system for I wish to concentrate on describing the INTP type as best I can. The descriptions below are based on personal experience combined with knowledge derived from other MBTI sources and I hope that other INTPs and non-INTPs alike may find some of this material illuminating. This page may be updated and expanded when appropriate.

For a general introduction and overview of MBTI temperament analysis, visit Robert Winer's excellent resource at Gesher.

INTPs are about 1% of the general population, making this one of the rarest of types. The basic dynamic of the INTP is illustrated in the following table:

RANK of FUNCTION FUNCTION ORIENTATION
Dominant Thinking Introverted ( Ti )
Secondary iNtuition Extraverted ( Ne )
Tertiary Sensing Introverted ( Si )
Inferior Feeling Extraverted ( Fe )

The consequences of the orientation and rank of each of the four functions for the INTP type is described in turn below.

Primary Axis: Introverted Thinking - Extraverted Intuition

The INTP is above all a thinker and his inner (private) world is a place governed by a strong sense of logical structure. Every experience is to be rigorously analysed, the task of the INTP's mind is to fit each encountered idea or experience into a larger structure defined by logic. For here is the central goal of the INTP: to understand and seek truth. The experience of anything takes a back seat. The INTP is not interested in experiences themselves but is far more fascinated by concepts. The drive to understand things that are not yet understood is a very powerful force in the life of an INTP. Where the Ti preference is strong, this drive can override the experiential element so strongly that the INTP will become quickly bored with anything that he has successfully analysed to the point of understanding it. Once understood, it has nothing left to offer, once the satisfaction which comes with achieving the goal of understanding diminishes. Indeed, most primary interests of an INTP are things which he cannot fully understand, usually because they are highly complex or have some exotic, mystical element that does not yield to analysis. This is the real reason why INTPs are drawn to complexity: anything simple is too quickly understood and cannot hold the fascination for long. Similarly, proficiency in any area (which requires continual practice after understanding) is not such a driving force as it might be for NTJs, for example. While a judging NT will often seek to become master of his field, an INTP is satisfied by analysing it alone. The latter is often more of dabbler with ideas which leads me on to his second crucial aspect: detachment.

The Ti-Ne axis leads to a curious overriding desire to observe from a detached position, indicating the preference for intuitive perception with respect to external things. Since accurate analysis needs to avoid becoming hampered with details or being influenced by the actions of others, the INTP invariably seeks to withdraw, at least in spirit, from the situation being considered. This detachment can sometimes be so marked that he will readily see himself as a neutral observer having no personal association with that going on around him (unless forced to become directly involved through an attack on his principles). The INTP enjoys speculating about how a news item (for example) might be received by other people or how a point of view might offend certain types of people and be supported by yet other types; but to have a point of view of his own rarely seems relevant! This also indicates that Feeling is his least developed function. The argument may even be made that "points of view" and "opinions" are irrelevant since only objective truth counts. In reality, INTPs can often become far less objective than they think they ought to be: precisely at those times when the under-developed Feeling gnaws at his being.

Dominant Function: Introverted Thinking

Now looking specifically at first the Ti, the principle of detachment even encompasses how an INTP views himself. He may analyse his own thought processes as if his mind and body were separate from his conscious self. In wanting to understand his reactions to things, he may treat himself, even his own thoughts, as subjects for experiment. At the extreme end of the scale, where Ti is very dominant, the ultimate goal of understanding the world with total clarity must be achieved through total detachment from everything. Fortunately, Ti never dominates over the other 3 preferences to such an extent that such an unhealthy state is reached.

Where detachment ceases is when someone makes an illogical statement or violates one of the INTPs principles. At such a point, the INTP feels the instant drive to provide for clarity. This is his Mission; to be the provider of clarity, and is often suspicious that he is the only person capable of this task. Here, the INTP risks being seen as over-critical, aloof and arrogant. On the whole, however, real arrogance is rare for INTPs for their desire is not to dominate others but simply to observe, analyse and clarify. Once the point has been clarified, the INTP withdraws quickly, for he prefers not to be in the limelight unless absolutely necessary. Hence, for most of the time, INTPs are easy-going and will fit in to others' needs, taking up the role of observer again.

While proficiency may not be a central goal, competence always is. The difference here may be subtle, but it is important. If an INTP decides to learn a skill, then it is very important for him that he reaches a sufficient level so that basic errors can be avoided. Errors made by others are to be expected and can be criticised. But errors made by oneself attack the very root of the person, which is ultimately about rationality, logic and truth. INTPs hate to think of themselves being in any way inadequate, at least in areas that are important to them. So, as soon as he puts himself behind some task, then he must achieve competency. But that is as far as it goes. Refined competency requires too much effort and has little attraction. It would require practice and that usually bores an INTP. Hence, it is common to see INTPs dabbling at many things, achieving competency, just enough to prove to themselves that they could become more proficient if they wished, but rarely actually bothering to refine their skills further. This is a point at which we begin to get a feel for the workings of iNtuition backing up Thinking. The INTP has a whole set of skills which he knows that he would be proficient at, yet other people may know little of this. He is satisfied with the knowledge that he has these skills but often sees no requirement to demonstrate this to others, an indication of the strong Ti nature.

Related to this is the central aspect of independence. INTP's put great weight on being individuals and essentially different from other people, who they often view as being too alike and too interdependent. Independence touches on many aspects. One is the competency aspect above. When he is interested in something, then the INTP must be competent in it. But there are many things which don't interest him, and some of these will be things that others may be very competent in and where it may be assumed that everyone should be competent in them. The INTP usually applies the word "irrelevant" to such things: that is his excuse for any lack of competency in any field. And if he originally wished to achieve something, but failed, then it must be because was in fact irrelevant! The opinions of others are rarely given much weight in themselves. All opinions must get filtered through an analysis procedure to test for viability. No title or claim of being an "expert" carries any weight with an INTP. All people, big or small, are subject to an identical scrutiny. The INTP sees himself as the independent arbiter, whether a fair claim or not. However, when someone has proved his credentials through having sensible opinions, he will be afforded great respect by the INTP. Most respected of all are those who are not only sensible but also innovative. Intelligence is above all highly prized.

Independence, derived primarily from strongly introverted Thinking, leads to perhaps the most difficult aspect (for others) of the INTP, namely stubbornness. If an INTP is pushed into doing something he will automatically resist. The reason for the resistance is simply that any action must first be filtered by the Ti, guided by the Ne. He must be given the chance to reach an independent decision, approving or rejecting the action. Hence, he must withdraw to allow the analysis process to work. If withdrawal is not allowed then stubborn resistance is the inevitable result. However, others may not always find the INTP excessively stubborn, since the decision-making process can sometimes be rapidly accelerated when intuition takes the upper hand. The best way to get an INTP to do something is to suggest the idea as an option and let him sleep on it. Ultimately, the INTP must always believe that it is his decision. Once he is satisfied that the decision was independently reached, then he is content.

A further result of the Ti function is the concept, lived out by many an INTP, that knowledge is everything. They tend to believe that information is the key to life. All mistakes can be avoided by having the right information at the right time. This has at least a certain logic about it. Where they differ from other temperaments (especially from SP types) is that a large gap may exist between knowing and doing. To know is everything, to do is a lower order necessity, if it is necessary at all. This breeds the potential for lazy aloofness. The INTP is often satisfied simply by knowing that he could do something if he wished. This also leads to the danger of overestimating one's capabilities and losing a grip on reality. Here is an aspect where INTP and ENTP types differ strongly. The latter, with dominant iNtuition, are much more driven by shaping the world according to their ideas, ie. thinking supports and subordinates doing. For the INTP, doing supports and subordinates thinking.

Finally, the dominant Ti function means that the INTP takes his interests and beliefs very seriously. Honesty and directness when explaining these interests are usually displayed. INTPs detest facades and particulary dislike people who exhibit them. Equally, those kind of people also dislike INTPs and avoid them at all cost, for they know that the INTP will see right through them. The INTP's serious nature also makes them almost immune to mockery and being made fun of, at least when face to face with their mocker. If someone attempts to make a sarcastic, mocking comment about an interest of an INTP, the latter will defend himself with a pure, almost naive seriousness, explaining his position with a severe exactness, wielding his words like swords. This almost always disarms the mocker who does not expect such a penetrating defence. The INTPs defence usually also contains a subtle but biting attack thrown back in the mocker's face, chiefly because the INTP cannot entirely hide the fact that he believes his opponent to be stupid. Such confrontations might develop rapidly into physical ones, a danger that the INTP should be aware of. This ability to wield words with cutting precision is one of the INTP's greatest assests, but equally one of his most deadly traits. He is capable of using words creatively to penetrate deep into the understanding of a subject, but if not checked and wielded carelessly, his words can become highly destructive, especially where the Feeling function is heavily suppressed.

Secondary Function: Extraverted Intuition

Intuition is a mode of perception which focusses on the larger picture, the connections between objects, on the possibilities rather than the facts. When this is extraverted (Ne), the act of intuitive perception grapples with the world itself in order to understand it and its chief goal is to derive meaning. The INTP is sometimes referred to as the architect. The world is an object of study and possibilities for changing and shaping it according to the schemes assessed by the Ti core are derived from intuition. If his introversion is strong, however, then his schemes tend to remain private and speculative: the world remains an intellectual object of study but his architectural plans may not actually be put into practice. The constructor/inventor ENTP, on the other hand, with whom the Ne is dominant, aggressively grapples with and shapes the world, showing little reticence. The INTP is of the same spirit, but his constructive nature is likely to take shape within more private hobbies and less likely to directly involve others.

Where the extraversion of the iNtuition function becomes obvious is during discussions, especially heated ones. In contrast to INTJs, an INTP will often make controversial, speculative points of argument, often annoying the discussion-partner, and make them in such a way as to leave the impression that he is very serious about what he says. In reality, the INTP is not actually even certain himself whether he really stands by what he is saying, but his Ne strongly suggests that there must be a core of truth there. The purpose then of his outspoken style of argument is to sharpen his own intuitive understanding by testing the reaction of the listener, and indeed to examine the logic of his own arguments in real time while speaking them out. On occasion, INTPs may seem brash and tactless, but for themselves it is part of their way of getting closer to the truth. This is another aspect of the Ne grappling with the external world (in this case discussion with another) to understand it. The Ne provides the raw material for the Ti core to analyse. The INTJ, on the other hand, with Ni dominant and Te as secondary, tends to avoid letting uncertain speculative ideas out in the open: he presents a more considered structured viewpoint to the world while holding his private thoughts free for intuitive reasoning. The INTJ resembles a chess player, ruminating on the possibilites and then making decisive accurate moves. If the INTP played life as chess, he would keep wishing to modify the allowed-move-properties of his various pieces to optimise his strategy, find that that isn't allowed, and ask to start the game afresh! The ENTP chess player would indeed modify the rules to his advantage and complain that the standard rules were inadequate! The ENTJ would play by the standard rules but insist on making the moves for his opponent as well !

Extraverted iNtuition has a strong influence on how the INTP views his own interaction with others. It is the Ne above all that the INTP most loves to show others. He is therefore happy to be seen as somewhat eccentric, innovative and perceptive. In dreaming about what he would like to become or achieve, his goals are invariably highly individualistic. He must become the composer, the solo performer, the genius scientist who makes the unique discovery. If he is to be noticed at all, then he must be centre stage. If he can't be centre stage in an area of interest, then he must withdraw and resort to vitriolic criticism. But in all areas which interest him less he happily leaves to others and observes. With an INTP it is either all or nothing. Half-efforts he dislikes just as much as he dislikes the restrictions of teamwork and co-operation.

Humour is another aspect which marks out the INTP. He can readily dream up jokes about almost any situation. Taking things out of context is the chief source of humour and many an INTP is a Monty Pythonite. The Ne is the engine and source of this joke-generator. Needless to say, the humour of an INTP can be pretty zany and warped and may not be understood easily by others. The problem is that the Ne concepts for jokes are put into a structure only by the Ti. Hence, the humour can become black and tactless, having felt little Feeling input. Funnily enough, INTPs are dreadful tellers of jokes (which seems to be more the domain of those with Se), perhaps because they pay too little attention to detail when speaking spontaneously. If you see someone smirking and laughing at some private thought, without any obvious reason, he's probably an INTP. INTPs may however make good comedy writers, with the humour of Woody Allen being particularly liked.

The preference for intuitive perception means that INTPs dislike having their lives planned. They feel a distinct unease before most fixed appointments and cannot fully relax until the scheduled event is over, or at least in progress. However, the dreaded event is usually far less of a problem than had been imagined and usually brings with it a sense of satisfaction. Action is therefore the saving grace of an INTP, for a sense of achievement usually outweighs the earlier apprehension. Social appointments can also be greatly enjoyed, once they are underway. But joyful anticipation is rarely experienced beforehand, unless the event is central to the INTP's fields of interest. The source of the unease is simply the feeling that a planned schedule inhibits and robs the INTP of freedom. It is also a subordination to the plans of others which the independent INTP resists. Faithfully helping others is not a problem, however, but he must feel in control of his decision to subordinate or not.

INTPs tend to be rather mistrusting of people and are rather sceptical. However, a lot of their trust is based on what the Ne function tells them about somebody. This can lead to a naivity and sometimes to prejudices based on intuitive perceptions of appearence and style. People can be a problem for INTPs: on the one hand they are fascinated by some types of people, especially more extraverted individuals, but a fear of irrational behaviour in others usually leads to caution. Friendship with INTPs develops at a pace which depends considerably on the temperament of the other person. INTPs dislike making the first move and tend to mirror the emotional content of the other person. A jolly person will quickly bring the INTP out of his shell, as much as that is possible, while a serious person will find a serious INTP looking back at him. In this sense, INTPs preference for intuitive perception (rather than action) with respect to people results in them resembling a chameleon. The INTP can fit into many different modes of behaviour, even contradictory ones, in order to get into the mindset of the other person. The goal is to gain enough intuitive data to analyse and assess the person. In doing this, the INTP remains somewhat reserved, never wholly identifying himself with his surroundings. As chameleons, INTPs are therefore approachable and open, unless the Ne tells the INTP that the other person is a type he doesn't like, in which case the reserved attitude may become too obvious. The chameleon behaviour can be particularly strong when discussing something. The INTP may even argue something that he doesn't really believe himself. Sometimes it is for the intellectual stimulation that comes with the challenge of arguing from a variety of standpoints. Otherwise, it may be to avoid early conflict before the situation has been fully assessed. Chameleons hide their true selves. INTPs do not do this cynically, or indeed all the time, but it is a result of the strong desire to remain detached and observe.

However, where friendship develops rapidly, almost instantly, is when an INTP meets another INTP or similar temperament. Communication between such people can become extremely intense, leaving outsiders baffled. When two INTPs get togther, watch out! All forms of social graces and host-guest protocols become irrelevant. Both want only to share concepts and interests and absorb the intellectual stimulation of the other. Interruption of this process by any social necessity is undesired and annoying. Often the pair will become oblivious to everything around them and this may seem almost comical to an outsider. Introductory greetings such as "how are you?" may just be given and received with nonchalant disinterest. Conversations are more likely to open with something like: "Hi, I think I've worked out how changes in the Borg's command protocols can be routed through sub-space without compromising their universal teleconnectivity!", knowing that the other person knows exactly what he's on about. Later, the host may offer the guest a drink after an hour of discussing the latest developments in computer technology, and the guest may then notice that he is thirsty. In most cases however, INTPs have been groomed by other types into accomodating themselves into the social world, so that even amongst themselves a minimal level of social niceties will be given. Favourite topics of discussion are science and science-fiction, music, computers and any abstract concept with which one is currently fascinated by.

One-to-one conversation is preferred in almost every situation. In a group situation, INTPs are sensitive to whether they believe they will be listened to or not. If a dominant (strongly extraverted and loud) person is present, the INTP will withdraw and sulk, believing the dominant person to be a brute. If an INTP speaks, he must be listened to, for he believes his spoken opinions to be important. If not, he withdraws (at least in spirit) and assumes that the people who do not listen lack intelligence. Hence, INTPs make very poor leaders, for they depend too much on the attitudes of others. This is one of the negative sides of the Ne function. INTPs tend to jump to intuitive conclusions, can be fatalistic and have little perseverence. On the other hand, they can make very good assistants to leaders, provided they and the leader are of one mind, for their perceptive analysis can give the leadership useful insights which they may overlook, being too busy with leading. Indeed, INTPs are often glad when someone else takes over the lead, again providing the leader is of the same mind. An INTPs ideal is to provide all the ideas for a project and have a charismatic leader, who agrees with him, carry them out. The only area in which an INTP will carry out his own ideas to completion is in his personal interest world, where other people are not involved. For this reason, INTPs are fascinated by computer technology as well as the Internet which gives him a voice that he would not otherwise have. Many of the most dedicated Computer Freaks are INTPs. Ultimately, INTPs tend to trust machines more than they trust people and may feel particularly at home in the realm of cybernetics.

The Ne-Ti axis is a particularly useful configuration for an interest in Science Fiction. The Ne provides a fascination for abstract ideas while the Ti loves analysing the scientific concepts presented. Many an INTP is a Trekkie, particularly because Star Trek pays a great deal of attention to logical detail. Unlike much of the general population, however, INTPs take such science fiction series extremely seriously, showing the great relative importance attached to the world of ideas. Examples of fictional characters who INTPs have a natural affinity for are Avon (Blake's Seven), Data (Star Trek: TNG) and Seven of Nine (Voyager).

General role models for INTPs are individualistic, creative and perhaps enigmatic people. Innovative free-thinkers who follow their own new paths are usually greatly respected. Famous historical figures who attract the INTP's greatest respect are scientists, composers, inventors and, in society, revolutionary leaders and noble visionaries who bring about major change. Above all, individualism is the key factor, while vision is the most highly prized asset.

The Ne-Ti axis also leads to a curious duality in the thinking of the INTP. The dominant Ti core tends to assume the role of a controller and organiser of his life, while the Ne behaves like a free spirit, almost childlike in its enthusiasm. The INTP tends to experience these two forces as an almost continuous tug-of-war, with neither ever quite gaining the upper hand. He is not disturbed by this duality and can view it with wistful humour. If he has been free-spiriting for any length of time, he soon feels duty bound to analyse his behaviour and systematise it. While if he has been in an analytical mode for a while, he will soon decide that he can do what he wants freely after all. It is a yo-yo situation. Generally, INTPs have a very strong requirement to keep their external, social world as simple and as uncluttered as they can so that they can focus as much energy as possible on their internal world of system analysis and theoretizing. Hence, they tend to be amongst the least demanding and least complicated of all types when interacting with others. They prefer to let the world flow by: to observe the waves being made by others, but to make none themselves. When socializing, the Ne mode dominates, unless a discussion starts up involving the INTP in which case the Ti largely takes over. In their private world it is of course the Ti that dominates.

Tertiary Function: Introverted Sensing

The Sensing function is the mode of perceiving which gathers information from facts, details and objects. When this function is strongly introverted, Si, the focus moves away from external details and is primarly concerned with personal, introspective detail. The experience of the present is not central in itself, as with Se. Rather the focus is on how the present evokes remembered earlier experiences. The key outworking of the Si function is then a concern with memories of the past. INTPs typically have an acute awareness of the passage of past times. Sequences of past events can assume a remarkable solidity in their thinking, while most INTPs have very good memories. Indeed, the sensing function is usually very well developed in its strongly Si mode and forms a strong partnership with the Ti core. Hence, the internal world of the INTP is a world of complex, detailed structure, well organized and methodically kept in order. When an INTP focusses on specific details then he has a very sharp eye for them and will not lose sight of them.

On the other hand, one of the more serious weaknesses of an INTP is that the sensing function makes little inroads out into the external world. INTPs are usually oblivious to external details unless something forces them to take notice. When an INTP goes into a new room, or walks through a city street, he is blind to much of the detail that people with an Se function would see immediately. The INTP always tries to get a feel for the big picture, using his Ne, and habitually ignores all detail. Of course, objects of interest will be seen as a matter of course and he can choose to concentrate and focus on them, but it is remarkable how much he still overlooks. And those objects he does happen to notice will belong to a small set of things that he is interested in anyway. Many other objects would only be noticed if another person points them out to him.

When an INTP lives alone, his home is usually spartan and utility-oriented. There will be little or no decorative objects, electronic equipement will be in abundance and the importance of any object will depend only on its usefulness. The general style of the home is largely irrelevant. When an object is put aside, not to be returned to for a while, it will lie fully ignored until used again. Objects which lie unmoved for more than about 48 hours usually become invisible to the INTP, until such time as he has a use for them again. For other temperaments whose need for tidiness and order in a house is strong, this lack of concern in this area may seem despairing. For the INTP, however, no problem exists. Corners of rooms, table tops and cupboards may become cluttered with objects, but while they don't move they remain effectively invisible and are unimportant. Indeed, less mature INTPs have a reluctance to move objects at all, for the desire to remain detached and not physically interact with the world can be strong. The one thing that will force an INTP to tidy his home radically, even when alone, is when the clutter eventually gets in his way and hinders some activity. Often, however, the offending objects will merely be moved into another corner where they can spend some more weeks being invisible. When an INTP lives with a partner and perhaps has a family, he learns the necessity of focussing on the details of tidiness. This is not usually difficult, since tidying a house is an activity which can be clearly defined and, hence, the INTP can focus on it by treating it as systematic work.

Introverted Sensing often plays an important role in the private world of the INTP. When he visits a place, whether new or already known, his Si function gives an overriding concern for the atmosphere or mood of the place. In his subconscious, he connects the present experiences of his surroundings with memories of his past, sometimes deep past. A sense of history, of universality, is almost always invoked. When on holiday, the INTP wants to experience above all the ambience of each location. Specific details in the present are relatively unimportant and will not be well remembered. However, the atmosphere or mood will be remembered long after, as though it were a solid object. Since people encountered on a holiday usually count as details, unless more personal contact develops, the INTP tends to be drawn more to lonely, isolated places where atmosphere is less disturbed. Nevertheless, the presence of people does add its own ambience which can also be appreciated considerably. The net result of this concern for past experiences and of mood/atmosphere is that INTPs belong centrally to those types referred to as melancolic. The INTP melancolic is typically drawn to wild polar expanses, to mountain ranges and all places on the edges of civilisation. Whatever his particular yearning might actually be, it has a common root. The homeland of the INTP's psyche is a small and cosy community, isolated in the middle of a vast expanse of wilderness.

Because the present is inextricably linked to a sense of the past, INTPs tend to hoard items which help solidify the connection to the past. They find it very difficult to let go of anything they have collected (or indeed created) and which may have a nostalgic meaning. They assume that any object which is of interest now is bound to remain of interest for the rest of their lives. This emphasizes a strong sense of universality in the progression of time, just as it emphasizes the seriousness with which INTPs approach their interests. Frivolity is not in their vocabulary. INTPs often love keeping lists and databases in areas of interest, especially when the lists are associated with things of the past. Collecting periodical magazines or other media of interest is also a very common INTP trait. Such a collection is usually taken very seriously. Yet the collective whole, considered as a temporal rather than spatial object, always assumes more importance in the mind of the INTP than the objects forming the collection themselves. Hence, INTPs are collectors, but they are collecters for whom the objects themselves are only important in so far as they evoke a connection to past events, in so far as they yield a nostalgic mood. The curious problem with any collection of an INTP is that he typically fails to enjoy it in the here and now. Items are stored away so that they can evoke this time at some point in the future, but such a point often never occurs. It may never occur because INTPs are always so mentally active that they continually delve into new interests, and continue to hoard items relating to these, so that they rarely allow themselves enough time to reflect on the ever expanding library of their past. The interests of an INTP would be enough to occupy him for several lifetimes if that were possible.

Photography is a classic interest of the INTP, which depends strongly on the Si - Ne combination, as well as on Ti for attention to technical detail. Landscape photography, for example, is the art of conveying a sense of mood/atmosphere to the viewer (Si). The correct employment of lenses, filters etc. brings out the Ti core, while the enjoyment of seeing the world as an fascinating varied object to be observed and captured in the best possible way brings out the Ne-Ti architect. Photos are also a way of capturing the present to evoke a sense of past in the future (Si). When involved in portrait or people photography, the INTP will also be primarily concerned with the mood conveyed by the person in the eye of the lens. Quality photographic skill, as well as an intrinsic feel for imagery, is usually second nature to the INTP and can make a good career choice. When viewing photographic images, say in magazines, the overriding concern is for how the photo is conveyed; its mood, its colour, contrast and shading usages, its perspectives and image quality. However, the actual subject of the image, which other types are likely to concentrate on first, takes a back seat unless it is unavoidably dramatic. Hence, INTPs may convey a very critical and impersonal approach in discussing images, which could lead to offence in some situations.

Another area of interest common to INTPs, where Si has a strong influence, is Music. INTPs are usually fascinated by music and may have deep and wide-ranging tastes. Indeed, each of their three main functions (Ti, Ne, Si) plays a role in the enjoyment of music, and indeed music is a key interest for bringing out the feeling shadow of the INTP. Si itself brings a fascination for mood and atmosphere in music as well as for a strong sense of personal nostalgia. INTPs are therefore often keen on melancolic minor-key music in which an introspective and/or esoteric mood is conveyed. Equally, INTPs enjoy hearing music that they heard and enjoyed when younger (provided they can still appreciate it now) and yearn for the sense of nostalgia that it yields. INTPs are also drawn to complexly structured music, thanks to their Ti core. An appreciation of modern classical music, as well as perhaps contemporary jazz, is therefore common with them. Such music types are usually too complex to be understood after a single hearing, which hence provides excellent material for analysis, exciting the INTP no end. Once the basic developmental structure of the music has been assessed, Ne provides the impetus to derive a general meaning of the piece. What does the composer wish to convey, for example? Why was that particular development chosen? Indeed, the Ne is usually hard at work during listening sessions, trying to grasp the meanings behind the often fascinating combinations of sound-world evocations, structural developments and nostalgic impressions.

When the Ti core dominates the choice of music to listen to, the need for intellectual stimulation derived from complex structures and sounds will override concerns for cultured harmony. Hence, INTPs are often drawn to dissonance. Indeed, they may even thoroughly strive for dissonant sound worlds. When in such moods, consonant harmonies, especially of the three-chord-melody variety, are dismissed as boring and uninspired. If an INTP is forced to listen to simple harmonic music for a while, he usually can't wait to feel the relief provided by a few minutes of pure dissonance. The ideal music for the Ti core might be typically a modern symphony, with a complex, but analysable structure, with a rich and varied sound world, predominantly dissonant but with sections of melodic motifs to provide solidity. Examples of modern classical composers who particularly speak to the Ti core might be Simpson, Arnold, Holmboe, Maxwell-Davies and Shostakovich.

However, feeding the Ti core alone with music will rarely satisfy an INTP for long. Where music really inspires in when the Si function is brought into the picture. Generally, INTPs are fascinated by atmospheres evoked by music. Examples of modern classical composers whose music speaks more to the Si-melancoly through sound-world evocation might be Bax, Tavener, Pärt, Szymanowski and Rautavaara. Some elements of world-music also speak strongly to the Si-melancoly. INTPs may be interested in the Folk musics of eastern Europe and India, for example. The role played by the Si function is shared by SJ types, so that INTPs may find a common musical bond with some SJs in this area. Indeed, INTPs often feel at ease with SJs, especially their near-shadow xSFJ types. The SJ's guardian instincts usually help the INTP to feel at ease, while the tradition-based predictability of the SJ approach to life helps the INTP to know where he stands, giving him the space he needs to relax. Although the most intense communicative friendships may develop with fellow NTs, some extraverted intuitive types may overstress the INTP by being too dominant and unpredictable, extracting too much energy from the Ti core.

Ultimately, however, music forms a vital, central role in awaking the underdeveloped Fe shadow in the life of an INTP. It is undoutedly Fe that gives the INTP the life-spark to introduce a genuine sense of joy that music is experienced with. To the INTP, the role of Fe in music appreciation remains mysterious. Music forms which may be useful for awakening the shadow are expressive forms of jazz, where extraverted Feeling is central to the music-making process, as well as some expressive Folk styles (Irish for example). Examples of modern classical composers whose music may appeal to the Fe shadow of INTPs are Messiaen, Copland, Schnittke, Bartok, Vaughan-Williams and, again, Shostakovich (Noting that Fe can be expressing a range of positive or negative feelings).The music of Shostakovich is a particular favourite because, alongside its developmental structure, it also yields an immense sense of passionate tragedy which awakes the Fe-shadow together with the Si-melancoly.

Inferior Function: Extraverted Feeling

Extraverted Feeling judgement, Fe, is the shadow function of the INTP, being by far the least developed of his faculties. Indeed, mature use of Fe typically doesn't begin to take shape until well into middle age. Feelings and emotions are regarded with suspicion and perhaps fear by the INTP and he may be keen to avoid considering or showing them. At the same time, he may experience a certain fascination for the emotional world, but he is desperate to de-personalize any thoughts on that area. He is compelled to subject his emotions to continual analysis, the Ti core literally suppressing the Fe shadow, attacking Fe with accusations of irrationality. He resists letting his feelings go, fearing that to do so would be to relinquish control to an unknown force. He believes emotions to be of a lesser substance than logic and his natural goal would be to conquer his emotions with pure rationality.

Much of the above demonstrates the immature and underdeveloped approach with which the INTP meets his emotional side. In reality, the extraverted nature of the INTP's feeling judgement means that his emotions, when visible, are pretty direct and easy to assess. Since the INTP normally wishes to hide his emotions; when they do come out, they do so in outbursts with an almost childlike innocence. There is a sense of all-or-nothing and, when visible, there is nothing enigmatic about the feelings of an INTP: indeed, shadow functions always seem pretty raw and basic.

When making on the spot decisions while extraverting with another person, the shadow Fe is often temporally exposed on the front line. Its immature nature may then result in an inadequate decision being made. The INTP may regret this later when the Ti core has analysed the events. Hence, INTPs tend to resist being forced to make quick decisions, for they know that their Fe judgement is their achilles heel. However, the resistance is sometimes weakened when Ne jumps in to back up the Fe. The accuracy of the intuitive insight then becomes crucial if the INTP is to avoid fatal errors. It is interesting to observe that the external world of the INTP involves a very free-spirited Ne-Fe partnership, while the internal world is a very clinical detail-structure-analysis Ti-Si combination. Hence, the outward behaviour of an INTP can contrast strongly with his introspective world.

For the INTP, emotions are seen as something mysterious and as uncontrollable as they are unalterable. Hence, the root of the fear of emotions is the fear that they cannot be controlled. Hence, when an INTP does finally respond emotionally to something, his emotions are indeed left uncontrolled, raw and open. However, when witnessing the emotional response of another person, the INTP intensely resists any similar emotion of his own. An example of this is when watching a 'weepy' cinema film in which some heart-wrenching scene is being shown. The INTP despises the attempt by the filmmaker to influence his emotions and is more likely to sneer than cry. This response has nothing to do with arrogance, however. Rather it is the INTP defensively avoiding exposing what he knows to be his weak point. Where an INTP may experience his own emotional response during a film is when he has had the chance to consider consequences of a element of the film. Hence, emotional response to media input usually occurs with a certain independence of will, which could appear enigmatic to others.

The mystery of emotion is also evidence in the INTP's use of music. He always chooses to listen to music which suits his current emotional state, be it aggression, warmth, excitement, relaxation or whatever. Hence, the emotional state is assumed to be an unchangeable, mysterious property of himself. It is easier to choose appropriate music than to attempt to influence this. People with introverted Feeling, Fi, however, will deliberately choose to listen to music which helps them change and improve their mood. INTPs could never do that. They feel an unpleasant sense of disharmony whenever a music style clashes with their emotional state. Indeed, it is remarkable how much attention they pay to their emotions when music is involved.

Sexuality is another important area which brings out the Fe shadow of the INTP. Sexuality fascinates INTPs in a similar way to music. Both have an emotional core which does not entirely yield to analysis. Sexual feelings often clash with the INTPs desire to control and understand his universe. They also clash with the desire for detachment and keeping a distance. But sexuality is the one thing who's natural power can break through any type dynamics. Hence, sexuality can play a big role in balancing the INTP's functionality. However, the INTP's natural approach to sexuality will still have true-to-type elements. He will be keen to understand and categorise his sexual responses. He will be keen to see first the generalities of male- and femaleness before any personal references are made. Nevertheless, in an intimate relationship, the extraverted nature of the feeling judgement leads to a beneficial openness and empathic directness in responding to the partner's needs, providing the healthy development of the Fe function is encouraged. Indeed, for many INTPs, an intimate relationship is the only place where the Fe shadow can really develop fruitfully.

The inferior nature of the Fe shadow shows itself, otherwise, in the lack of ability to show active empathy with people undergoing strong emotions. If he wishes to encourage the emotional person, the INTP tends to resort to giving T-based solutions to the problems involved. Often, the INTP does not really know how to empathize and may feel discomfort and helplessness, especially when he understands the rational basis for the emotions. He may become frustrated that the person remains unhappy in spite of hearing his T-based solutions. Much worse is when the emotional person appears to be being irrational. INTPs detest irrational emotion above all things. INTPs must take a very wide berth around people who appear to be irrationally, outwardly emotional. INTPs are very sensitive to such a trait and fear the potential excesses of the emotional attacks which do not yield to a defence based on logic.

In a similar way, INTPs dislike being in an atmosphere of emotional disharmony. If they need to say something unpleasant to someone close to them, they would prefer to avoid this task for fear of the disharmony that may result. This results from the INTP's fear that he does not have the emotional competence to deal with disharmony. INTPs never like doing something until they know they can do it. The best cure for this reticence is experience: to express his feelings, to live through disharmony and come out the other side with greater experience of his emotional side.

The feeling shadow is the fear centre of the INTP. He rarely fears any factual thing in the outside world, at least not things that will be encountered in normal day-to-day living. Logic stipulates that external objects or people which threaten can always potentially be dealt with by instigating an active defence strategy. Of course, the possibility of being left truly helpless leaves the INTP cold, for once the Ti core is defeated, the inferior Fe can offer little comfort. Resigned acceptance of the unacceptable is an anathema for INTPs. His typical response to helplessness is to hate the world which has produced it. However, the greatest fears of an INTP are usually ideas generated within his own mind. The problem is that the Ti-Ne axis is capable of conceiving very unpleasant ideas, which may be far from reality and even irrational. Ideas and possibilities assume so much importance in the mind of an INTP that they can override a common sense factual grasp on reality. Since the emotional response to an unpleasant idea is based on an underdeveloped function, it may also fail to bring a return to common sense. The net result is the fear that ideas alone may lead to self-destruction. This fear is irrational and is a cry of help from the feeling shadow when being overdominated by the Ti-Ne axis. This problem can be overcome when more balanced type dynamics result from increasing maturity.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Creative Writing

John Clayton - Voices

This week I am leading a discussion on Clayton's writing called, Voices. There are two main characters in this story. Sam, a psychiatrist and one of his patients. The patient is a short fat women who comes to the office in distress. Reading the title when I first picked it out I thought is would be an interesting one. Voices-- meaning the things we hear, but don't really hear. Pieces and fragments, as what happens in the case of this story. A psychiatrist that hears voices; isn't that what the patients normally do?

The story is character driven because it takes places mostly inside Sam's head. His behavior becomes almost obsessive on the verge of a stalker when he starts falling for his patient. She stops seeing him which ends up driving the urning more. Sam then hears voices which brings him to the patients home. She tries to commit suicide. He helps her because the voices he hears. Seeing this is not a current patient of his, the husband comes after Sam because he's interfering, which as you read seems very plausible. If it was strictly a patient/therapist relationship it would be legit, but because of the emotional tension it creates a conflict.

At the end the patients comes back and plops herself in the chair, she needs therapy once again. This roller coaster seems to make Sam happy. He got what he wanted. The co-dependency relationship seems to work out, although, Sam hears the tidbits that support his need for the patient. Both characters change, but Sam seems to change differently. Outside influences change his patients development as she battles living in poverty with kids and a husband. Sam's development is internal. He talks but the noise is too much it seems. His mouth and brain are talking at the same time, which clouds his judgment as he hears both in fragmented messages.

Creative Writing

Katherine Karlin- Bye Bye Larry

This week I chose to write a little more on Karlin's piece called "Bye Bye Larry".
In Bye Bye Larry starts off with a wake of a guy named Larry. The story then turns its attention from the deceased to a seemingly budding relationship that has some twists over two women- or that was the intention. The end makes you think on this, because the story really did not elaborate on Larry the dead guy; it was on the characters themselves. The writing moves along through the characters development rather then the typical plot-driven story. As the characters develop and create more of the tension and contribute to the atmosphere the story stems from the plot of Larry the dead guy to the characters that relate to the deceased.

Ms. Karlin, although she hasn't had much published, in her two pieces I have looked at; Bye Bye Larry and The Good Word she focuses more on the characters and the dialogue between the characters. She also pays close attention to the atmosphere making sure it is visually plausible and convincing.