Afflictions & Fits

A week ago I became afflicted by something most terrible. The darkest place of my soul had surfaced. There was no warning. It came as a tsunami leaving devastating blows to the fortress I had spent building up my whole life. I can be socially awkward - the type that is there without emotion. Much like the thinker sitting on the toilet thinking. I have a hard time responding to certain emotions and touches from others. This was the crack in the dark place in my soul I had wanted to cover up and not deal with. . . my emotions.

When I began my schooling to become a nurses assistant it was instilled for us to not get attached to the patients. It would interfere with doing our jobs. Taking care of people became nothing more than factory work. They were not people, they were just numbers, diagnoses, insurance companies, and procedures. Other co-workers had issues dealing with dead people they had became attached to. For me, it was part of the job and had nothing to do with the person. The facility wanted the body clean, packaged, and ready for pick up. The next patient was on their way and waiting on the bed. Nothing seemed to phase me the slightest, I could do deal with anything -- I did not have to feel. It was a sub-conscious decision. When my niece died I could handle all aspects and details without becoming afflicted. My grandparents died and I had no affliction. 

This was not hard to do for me. They rarely appeared. I stood there looking up at the sky at the moon. My eyes became wide as the light from the moon penetrated my dark eyes. My body unable to move. Memories flashed before my eyes of the past seven years. It was being pulled together in a central wave. My tear ducts filled so fast. I couldn't see out of my eyes. They had become so full that my cup runneth over. The dam had been taken away and the tears run onto my cheeks through my beard. My body in shock still unable to move. My voice - gone. It was like yelling so loud and no one hearing you. The duration for this fit lasted 17 minutes. It seemed to perpetuate itself exponentially it came and went in full throttle.  I had to change my shirt. I was feeling extreme happiness, sadness, loss, and death all at once. 

I did not know what to do with this. It scared me. There have been a few scary moments in my life. In elementary school I would have these fits of anger. I would throw my desk, books, take down bulletin board and needed for someone to listen to me. No one did - instead just sent me down to the principles office. Nightmares started - the witch in the window, the devil on the playground, the chocolate statue, drowning in water, and falling into dreams with a pop.  Memories flashed before me of happiness, loss, sadness, and death. The tsunami of tears came in waves as I lay there frozen in time. 

I needed to hear him sing a song. His smile made me smile so big cheek to cheek. I was yelling - but it fell upon deaf ears. I needed a release. I found someone who would understand; another Libra. We discussed rituals, men's studies, college experiences and even listened to the same type of music. It was like he took part of my own music library. His stories about Copenhagen, Sweden, and Finland kept me interested. He understood me on a different level. It had been a while since anyone had stimulated my mind. He was interested in what I had to say, and I was interested in what he thought. It was very cerebral - like third eye insight.  This enabled me to accept the present as such, not relive the past and perpetuate it into the future. 

I asked for a hug. I needed one. I was met with four taps on the back. I was giving acceptance, love, and happiness. Not sure what I got in return but accepted it. I smiled - mesmerized myself with two blinks and flew away in my mind to write.