Love. I find this 4 letter word to be one of the hardest to grasp. I cannot recall the phrase in my childhood or in present day or with boyfriends of the past, if they are boyfriends.
There was Patrick, I 16 he was 23, ran away and started hanging out Park Street. I met Joey and Ron Hill aka Miss Kitty. He had knee surgery and I was determined one day to run away. We lived on Russell Street. A Blue building on the corner of Russell and Main street in Lewiston.
My and the boy in front, who was younger, decided to go camping on thehill adjacent. It was awesome to have such a huge ground to play in. Well we camped out the one night, used a tire to control our little fire. Wrong move when the tire has oil and gas on it. Before causing a brush fire on Russell street we began running from our backyard to the hill with buckets of dirt. My dad is outside asking what we are doing and calls the fire department. My mom got in a fight with Amy and there was a broken mirror and Amy was really upset. My room was in the back. I could see the garden the gay guys upstairs planted.
I lived with Richard Aldrich aka Victoria Lee/Vanessa Storm. I stole a radio from him that some guy had on consignment and Richard told the guy he got robbed. He lived below me on Pine Street. I got the apartment with a roommate, a kid I helped with his paperroute.[Jimmy] [150 Lincoln St]
My aunt had the apartment when I was younger. We went to the movie house down the road and saw a movie one afternoon. Had a Halloween Party with my church friends.
He got his earlobe bitten off once at the bar and I walked him to the hospital and went with him in the emergency room while he was in drag. He tried slitting his wrists when he asked me out and I said no, because he was HIV+. He stole my Journals. He went to Jail for writing bad checks.
Mike H. a hair dresser on Lisbon street. Neat salon. Drank a lot of flavored bottle water. I lived at New Beginnings and he would cut my hair and all my friends. But this turned sour when he gave one of my friends head.
Another friend of mine Mike had sex with my sister Becky when I lived at 23 Sabattus Street. This is torn down now for Kora Temple expansion. I met Rod here, and Chris and Sabrina.
Titanic. I was in bed with Rod at his sisters place before she moved down to Texas. I made a comment it. Driving home on our way from Winterport laying on his lap while listening to Celine Dion playing. I think this is where I snapped.
I wanted to hear someone say "I Love You" to me and actually mean it. The search for love - began to be the search for sex. Some days I would become irate and angry at the fact I had spent 10 hours searching for sex and not getting anything and trying to the wee hours of the morning. Than I looked in the mirror as the scented candle lay there lit with two little fires and I felt warm, bringing back memories of camping on adventure challenges while I stayed at New Beginning. I went to Outright in Portland and went to the national Gay & Lesbian's Youth Leadership in CA. Only 20 selected from the US and Canada and Maine was chosen twice in a row. They asked me to leave I was too racist.
This Latino was playing with the Youth Institute leader who has a gf. She commented that I should feel sorry for all the things that have happened to the Latin people in America. I looked at her dumbfounded. I told her if my grandfather hated her grandfather that was their issue, they should feel sorry. I haven't done anything negative towards Latin people so I shouldn't. [hypontherapy sessions] I was asked to leave the next morning. I got a bracelet from a Sara girl who was really nice. She ran an underground needle exchange program in Seattle. I traded socks with some other girl also. The next day all the Latin/Latino and Hawaiian youth, about 1/3 decided not to show up the next day because of me, so they drove and dropped me off at Sana Rosa. Never being on a plane and being in California I was clueless. Lost. Thank goodness I didn't spend the $200 i had brought with me n savings bonds. I had to use them for another plane shuttle for Santa Rosa to san Diego and than come home. I had been blacklisted in Portland with Outright, starting from Kathy K and the Pillsbury guy who had money he donated to NGLTF. I thought it was funny, we had a conflict resolution class the day before, great opportunity huh?
USM. America Online cotegene and than a year later megspaul. I enjoyed genealogy. Maine [ME] Genealogy [G] Service [S] and Paul was my first name.
I went out with a guy named Shawn in Portland while I lived on Laurel Ave. I moved to Portland and his landlord said no. I was distraught. All my stuff in the back of Billy's truck. I left him and stored my stuff at Billy's. Billy & me moved onto Winter St until we found out we were paying for the heat for the guy upstairs. Than we moved onto Grant Street until Billy moved to Louisiana and my other roommate painted his room like McDonald's with yellow and red, after he moved into Billy's old room. His friend used to come over and pick, side affect of doing coke. She stole a wig of mine. Anyhow he stiffed me at the first of the month and just moved out. I lost my job at Maine Medical Center for 3 claims of neglect. [hypnotherapy sessions]. I started therapy but she ended up going in for a kidney transplant, the other guy I went to see didn't mesh after the first meeting. I saw a girl at USM but I don't recall what we chatted about.
Sex with a girl for the first time. She swallowed a bunch of pills later on after I told her she didn't amount to much. Laurie, a transgendered lesbian, and me went her house and called an ambulance. An afterhours party on the top floor I got mad at someone who was there with someone else after telling me how much he loved me and wanted to date and he was all over someone else. They were doing coke in the kitchen, although, their profiles on manhunt wouldn't show it now. I got in a fight with this really butch lesbian and clocked her and we fought down the stairs and I ended up getting thrown out on the streets.
Sportsmans I got in 2 fights. One with a crowd over a guy online who wouldn't leave me alone. Upon coming out of the bar he looked at me and said 'i know you want to fuck me' and i klocked him. That was it, I flipped Heather I guess pulling hair and fighting like a girl, so they tell me. But I recall a different tale. And the time the redneck DJ wouldn't give me back my music, so I went up the the DJ booth and popped the CD out and took off, with him behind me and he threw me out. Than there a fight where I ended up getting my eye stiched from a fight that involved the female bartender and KinkDude slugging me. At the hospital the doctor commented about the ring imprint that was on my face. [hypnotherapy sessions]
My mother tells me that I used to send her hate mail through the mail. I don't remember this [hypnotherapy sessions]. What I remember is me and my sisters all sexual abused, the state forgetting about us and my mother siding with the abuser, tell us that it never really happened. The scars turned into nightmares and evil things inside. My dad had a temper, he would throw ashtrays, tv's and use a tick on our ass. I used to get spanked in the nude in front of company. Entertainment I guess. Kneeling on rice in the corner, all five kids. My dad when mad use to hit me and choke me and throw me across the room. I cannot recall them ever telling me they loved me. I don't remember growing up except the ugliness and jumping from home to home trying to find someone who would say I Love You.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Str8 Acting
This concept dubbed Str8 instead of straight serves a purpose, although, for the naked eye we think it might not. Str8 was seen in gay culture about the mid 90's when it was important or perceived important to act as those we strive to be. Let me explain this Str8 Acting concept more and allow the reader to comment and ponder on their thoughts, views and even experience in this behavior trait.
Having never really been a str8 male of course, but growing up being treated like one until junior high, I still find it incredible how the concepts of competition and survival of the strongest seem to drive so much of str8 male culture. Maybe it is all evolutionary genetics, but jeez boyz, give it a rest.
Being a scrawny adolescent gay guy did teach me a lot about male competition. In fact, sometimes, I wonder if the macho bluster I had to deal with didn't have something to do with my turning out gay--you know, like trying to defuse all that guy fear and guy anger with guy sex and guy love. It rings really true for me.
Of course, it's chickens and eggs with the causality, but I do feel pretty deeply that a part of my desire for men (starting, I think, in 3rd or 4th grade on a trip to the Boston Museum of Science I became jealous and upset that I could not sit with another boy on the bus. Continuing through junior high school where I used to get beaten up and harassed ending up with me running into the school crying from two other classmates that tried to play with me in the attic while doing a petition drive on censorship for history) is linked with the attempt to find ways to break through the strutting and blustering of all the oh-so-macho guys around.
I remember vividly one incident where one guy who taunted me in junior high came up to me after school when I was walking home, coming up to me with a black girl. The black girl used to stab people with forks in the cafeteria and this guy used to blow up condoms in the cafeteria. We had the same algebra class and the teacher was someone I knew from church. She asked if another had seen this student and I commented that he was at lunch. So this guy follows behind me with his sidekick and comes up to me and punches in the mouth, for squealing on him. I ended up walking off after and the next day stayed home because I didn't want to go to school with a fat lip. What he told people was that he had kicked my ass.
There was another time I was just standing there talking to a friend and holding a plastic thing of candy to sell in my hand (we always seemed to be selling lollipops or chocolate bars for something for FBLA and Kids for Animals). The guy from junior high had been doing laps around the hallway for with his social clan, and they had passed us a couple of times; So, after they're done, he stops by my locker and starts tossing himself around, asking me what I'd said to them, being belligerent, puffing up his ego and body, leaning over me and just generally being a dick, right? And I'm standing there, intimidated--hell, really scared--but also thinking to myself "what the fuck is this all about?" and trying to look at his eyes to see what's going on in his head, because I really didn't have a clue. And my friend's totally silent, trying to fade away (I'd have done the same, so no judgment there), and I get the feeling I'm supposed to respond to guy's presence somehow but I must have missed that day in Guy School because I'm at a loss here and just stand there knowing that if it gets physical I'm in deep shit, and then there's this pause, see, this wonderful little pause where he isn't saying anything, and I'm looking up at him, and he's looking down at me, and I'm sure he sees the fear in my face, but also the question, like "What do you want? Just tell me, guy, because I'd probably be willing to give you more than you think, but not until you cut the crap and stop threatening me," which is what I was thinking in and around the fear, and I wonder how much of it penetrated the dense testosterone haze (probably very little) but then he breaks eye contact and turns to the plastic thing full of candy in my hand and says "what are those?" and I kind of just look at him because I'm still really scared and he says "give me some" and I hand it to him and he takes a handful of candy and he's looking at me and I'm like, what? Take as many fucking candies as you want, dude, and then he makes some comment like "watch what you say from now on" which totally makes no sense to me but works as a way to end this thing and off he goes to be back with the other boys. And, strangely enough, I kind of feel like I've won, somehow. Like, somehow, his inability to make anything sensible happen with the clear macho advantage was my victory, you know?
Sure, as I'm left there with my friend, I feel pretty violated, and we're both obviously embarrassed by the whole thing, but I'm also kind of fascinated with what just went down, and even a tiny bit more confident in my belief that the guy of the world are the ones with the problem, not me. Of course, my friend and I couldn't bring ourselves to talk about it, being guys and all, so we just went on with our lives as if it never happened, as if the alpha males never exercised their alpha male jerk privileges on us, and as if it didn't matter even if they did.
Here's the good part:
Those nights after these incidences I had amazing wet dreams about this guy and his friends and me. Oddly enough, it wasn't about him being a jerk, rather it was about him being kind of quiet, but still very macho, and me being myself, but confident, and the two of us making out like crazy in the back of his pickup truck (not sure where the truck came from) and I remember waking up with the lingering dream-feeling that I could really like him, that there was this kind of lovable guy there, asking me for candy, and that maybe he was even wishing that he had better ways of showing me his interest than being a macho dickhead, but he didn't quite know any other way to say, "hey you're interesting and I'm feeling this kind of spark here and I'd love to touch you and kiss you and make out with you but I'm a macho dickhead and so I don't know how so I'll puff myself up and act intimidating and very *very* male and maybe you'll see that what I'm trying to do is make myself desirable to you and then we can maybe connect, if you know what I mean."
I know, I know, but what are dreams for, right?
I'm not sure what the point is, except that cleaning myself off that morning just might mark the start of my suspicions that all this "straight-acting" stuff isn't what it seems to be. They act str8 acting, but isn't that a game of pretend? Acting as something you are not to achieve being that thing; in this case straight? Are those who label themselves as str8 acting uncomfortable and afraid of being rejected for being 'self acting'.? Why are they afraid to be themselves and not label. I find myself not overly butch and not over feminine. I am in the middle I tell others. Out view of what str8 acting is what society portrays: masculine, muscles, and all those things what we characterize a straight or heterosexual male would do. Do the straight talk, walk around the block. Why copy something other people do, rather than doing your own thing. I personally think those who label themselves as str8 acting do not possess sensuality and passion, because the typical male does not portray those characters. That is more a feminine trait or romance. The butch male looks funny in making pastries and setting the table for a romantic dinner with a complimentary bubble bath. But as everyone possesses these traits they can be harmful when you label yourself and put that self-worth in someone else's view of yourself. Rejection is the stamp of what str8 acting really is.
If you can be str8 acting, then, can you be gay acting. More specifically a straight guy acting gay. Of course you can. This is seen most common with women though. You see a plain women who has characteristics of being a lesbian or dyke, but they do not find or understand the reasoning to label themselves as anything. So those guys who are straight and possess a high voice, sorry guys. You're a straight man acting queer. Comments? Your str8 acting behavior may become a part of a thinking tank, where the term straight acting is reflected to the male behavior which is them define every decade. The male figure has changed from the Cowboys in western films, to beatles to disco boys, Marlboro man to Frank Sinatra, Jean Claude Van Dam to even the president.
Having never really been a str8 male of course, but growing up being treated like one until junior high, I still find it incredible how the concepts of competition and survival of the strongest seem to drive so much of str8 male culture. Maybe it is all evolutionary genetics, but jeez boyz, give it a rest.
Being a scrawny adolescent gay guy did teach me a lot about male competition. In fact, sometimes, I wonder if the macho bluster I had to deal with didn't have something to do with my turning out gay--you know, like trying to defuse all that guy fear and guy anger with guy sex and guy love. It rings really true for me.
Of course, it's chickens and eggs with the causality, but I do feel pretty deeply that a part of my desire for men (starting, I think, in 3rd or 4th grade on a trip to the Boston Museum of Science I became jealous and upset that I could not sit with another boy on the bus. Continuing through junior high school where I used to get beaten up and harassed ending up with me running into the school crying from two other classmates that tried to play with me in the attic while doing a petition drive on censorship for history) is linked with the attempt to find ways to break through the strutting and blustering of all the oh-so-macho guys around.
I remember vividly one incident where one guy who taunted me in junior high came up to me after school when I was walking home, coming up to me with a black girl. The black girl used to stab people with forks in the cafeteria and this guy used to blow up condoms in the cafeteria. We had the same algebra class and the teacher was someone I knew from church. She asked if another had seen this student and I commented that he was at lunch. So this guy follows behind me with his sidekick and comes up to me and punches in the mouth, for squealing on him. I ended up walking off after and the next day stayed home because I didn't want to go to school with a fat lip. What he told people was that he had kicked my ass.
There was another time I was just standing there talking to a friend and holding a plastic thing of candy to sell in my hand (we always seemed to be selling lollipops or chocolate bars for something for FBLA and Kids for Animals). The guy from junior high had been doing laps around the hallway for with his social clan, and they had passed us a couple of times; So, after they're done, he stops by my locker and starts tossing himself around, asking me what I'd said to them, being belligerent, puffing up his ego and body, leaning over me and just generally being a dick, right? And I'm standing there, intimidated--hell, really scared--but also thinking to myself "what the fuck is this all about?" and trying to look at his eyes to see what's going on in his head, because I really didn't have a clue. And my friend's totally silent, trying to fade away (I'd have done the same, so no judgment there), and I get the feeling I'm supposed to respond to guy's presence somehow but I must have missed that day in Guy School because I'm at a loss here and just stand there knowing that if it gets physical I'm in deep shit, and then there's this pause, see, this wonderful little pause where he isn't saying anything, and I'm looking up at him, and he's looking down at me, and I'm sure he sees the fear in my face, but also the question, like "What do you want? Just tell me, guy, because I'd probably be willing to give you more than you think, but not until you cut the crap and stop threatening me," which is what I was thinking in and around the fear, and I wonder how much of it penetrated the dense testosterone haze (probably very little) but then he breaks eye contact and turns to the plastic thing full of candy in my hand and says "what are those?" and I kind of just look at him because I'm still really scared and he says "give me some" and I hand it to him and he takes a handful of candy and he's looking at me and I'm like, what? Take as many fucking candies as you want, dude, and then he makes some comment like "watch what you say from now on" which totally makes no sense to me but works as a way to end this thing and off he goes to be back with the other boys. And, strangely enough, I kind of feel like I've won, somehow. Like, somehow, his inability to make anything sensible happen with the clear macho advantage was my victory, you know?
Sure, as I'm left there with my friend, I feel pretty violated, and we're both obviously embarrassed by the whole thing, but I'm also kind of fascinated with what just went down, and even a tiny bit more confident in my belief that the guy of the world are the ones with the problem, not me. Of course, my friend and I couldn't bring ourselves to talk about it, being guys and all, so we just went on with our lives as if it never happened, as if the alpha males never exercised their alpha male jerk privileges on us, and as if it didn't matter even if they did.
Here's the good part:
Those nights after these incidences I had amazing wet dreams about this guy and his friends and me. Oddly enough, it wasn't about him being a jerk, rather it was about him being kind of quiet, but still very macho, and me being myself, but confident, and the two of us making out like crazy in the back of his pickup truck (not sure where the truck came from) and I remember waking up with the lingering dream-feeling that I could really like him, that there was this kind of lovable guy there, asking me for candy, and that maybe he was even wishing that he had better ways of showing me his interest than being a macho dickhead, but he didn't quite know any other way to say, "hey you're interesting and I'm feeling this kind of spark here and I'd love to touch you and kiss you and make out with you but I'm a macho dickhead and so I don't know how so I'll puff myself up and act intimidating and very *very* male and maybe you'll see that what I'm trying to do is make myself desirable to you and then we can maybe connect, if you know what I mean."
I know, I know, but what are dreams for, right?
I'm not sure what the point is, except that cleaning myself off that morning just might mark the start of my suspicions that all this "straight-acting" stuff isn't what it seems to be. They act str8 acting, but isn't that a game of pretend? Acting as something you are not to achieve being that thing; in this case straight? Are those who label themselves as str8 acting uncomfortable and afraid of being rejected for being 'self acting'.? Why are they afraid to be themselves and not label. I find myself not overly butch and not over feminine. I am in the middle I tell others. Out view of what str8 acting is what society portrays: masculine, muscles, and all those things what we characterize a straight or heterosexual male would do. Do the straight talk, walk around the block. Why copy something other people do, rather than doing your own thing. I personally think those who label themselves as str8 acting do not possess sensuality and passion, because the typical male does not portray those characters. That is more a feminine trait or romance. The butch male looks funny in making pastries and setting the table for a romantic dinner with a complimentary bubble bath. But as everyone possesses these traits they can be harmful when you label yourself and put that self-worth in someone else's view of yourself. Rejection is the stamp of what str8 acting really is.
If you can be str8 acting, then, can you be gay acting. More specifically a straight guy acting gay. Of course you can. This is seen most common with women though. You see a plain women who has characteristics of being a lesbian or dyke, but they do not find or understand the reasoning to label themselves as anything. So those guys who are straight and possess a high voice, sorry guys. You're a straight man acting queer. Comments? Your str8 acting behavior may become a part of a thinking tank, where the term straight acting is reflected to the male behavior which is them define every decade. The male figure has changed from the Cowboys in western films, to beatles to disco boys, Marlboro man to Frank Sinatra, Jean Claude Van Dam to even the president.
Vanessa Mae
After a little digging the name for the violin player in post 1 I have found this jem. Her name is Vanessa Mae. Check her out, she has been doing music about 20 years now and some of her new stuff is quite moving full of energy and ready for your ears and mind.
You can also see a video at: www.eurodancehits.com under the video section.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Intro: Music
I sit here thinking of what to write, and I draw a blank. I seem spacey, common nature, when iI meet someone. I space out easily. Spacing out doesn't me dumb though, lol. My mind is easily distracted and goes on tangants all the time. Start something than start something else, than I may go back to the first and finish some more, but never really mfinishing much of anything. I have a lot of starts on things.
I am listening to 2 Unlimited: No Limits
I can see so many things going on in my head. . a cross between dancers and karate. Think black lights, popping cosutmes and glow sticks/karate instruments. They would be doing various karate and oriental moves and also some dancing moves. I visualize a lot in my mind when I hear music. I gets thats how I feel music. I havent listened to slow music once in a while. Mostly european stuff and dance, stuff with a beat.
I find people are very narrow in thinking about dance music, but this could be our countries way of thinking. I remember going to Quebec last summer and on the radio and clubs was mostly English/American music. I was hoping to hear some good french music. On our radio stations it is english only, although I find some other music and countries put out good music, the lyrics are the only thing thats different really.
American Dance music and european's Pop music. Their Dance is our techno and trance genre. Living in Maine though, the music scene is way out there. On the radio is mostly countrie. A local station, oldies station and computer generated. . .than come to think of it, most of the radio shows are syndicated except in the morning.
I am a fan of three styles of dance DJ mix styles. Hex Hector, Shep Pettipone and Peter Rauhofer from Club 69. When I was a teenager I enjoyed listening to Paula Abdul, Janet Jackson, [closeted] New Kids of on the Block, early Madonna, Cathy Dennis and the Cars. I also loved the station, Thunder 107.5 played nice upbeat music. MooMooland, Snap, Moonshine, Soul 11 Soul. Now what I enjoy listening to is: Milk Inc, Scooter, Darude, Eartha Kitt, Toybox, Aqua to Coldplay, Michael Feinstein and Brittney Spears. [My book for class Number and Logic cited her hits in the texbook 8 times] I also enjoy instrumental music from Baroque to Drums and some music coming from India, Africa to Ireland and drumming , Indian and tribal music. There is this awesome artist who plays the violin. She is pretty neat shit. Mixes her violin playing with techno beat.
I am listening to 2 Unlimited: No Limits
I can see so many things going on in my head. . a cross between dancers and karate. Think black lights, popping cosutmes and glow sticks/karate instruments. They would be doing various karate and oriental moves and also some dancing moves. I visualize a lot in my mind when I hear music. I gets thats how I feel music. I havent listened to slow music once in a while. Mostly european stuff and dance, stuff with a beat.
I find people are very narrow in thinking about dance music, but this could be our countries way of thinking. I remember going to Quebec last summer and on the radio and clubs was mostly English/American music. I was hoping to hear some good french music. On our radio stations it is english only, although I find some other music and countries put out good music, the lyrics are the only thing thats different really.
American Dance music and european's Pop music. Their Dance is our techno and trance genre. Living in Maine though, the music scene is way out there. On the radio is mostly countrie. A local station, oldies station and computer generated. . .than come to think of it, most of the radio shows are syndicated except in the morning.
I am a fan of three styles of dance DJ mix styles. Hex Hector, Shep Pettipone and Peter Rauhofer from Club 69. When I was a teenager I enjoyed listening to Paula Abdul, Janet Jackson, [closeted] New Kids of on the Block, early Madonna, Cathy Dennis and the Cars. I also loved the station, Thunder 107.5 played nice upbeat music. MooMooland, Snap, Moonshine, Soul 11 Soul. Now what I enjoy listening to is: Milk Inc, Scooter, Darude, Eartha Kitt, Toybox, Aqua to Coldplay, Michael Feinstein and Brittney Spears. [My book for class Number and Logic cited her hits in the texbook 8 times] I also enjoy instrumental music from Baroque to Drums and some music coming from India, Africa to Ireland and drumming , Indian and tribal music. There is this awesome artist who plays the violin. She is pretty neat shit. Mixes her violin playing with techno beat.
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