Afflictions & Fits

A week ago I became afflicted by something most terrible. The darkest place of my soul had surfaced. There was no warning. It came as a tsunami leaving devastating blows to the fortress I had spent building up my whole life. I can be socially awkward - the type that is there without emotion. Much like the thinker sitting on the toilet thinking. I have a hard time responding to certain emotions and touches from others. This was the crack in the dark place in my soul I had wanted to cover up and not deal with. . . my emotions.

When I began my schooling to become a nurses assistant it was instilled for us to not get attached to the patients. It would interfere with doing our jobs. Taking care of people became nothing more than factory work. They were not people, they were just numbers, diagnoses, insurance companies, and procedures. Other co-workers had issues dealing with dead people they had became attached to. For me, it was part of the job and had nothing to do with the person. The facility wanted the body clean, packaged, and ready for pick up. The next patient was on their way and waiting on the bed. Nothing seemed to phase me the slightest, I could do deal with anything -- I did not have to feel. It was a sub-conscious decision. When my niece died I could handle all aspects and details without becoming afflicted. My grandparents died and I had no affliction. 

This was not hard to do for me. They rarely appeared. I stood there looking up at the sky at the moon. My eyes became wide as the light from the moon penetrated my dark eyes. My body unable to move. Memories flashed before my eyes of the past seven years. It was being pulled together in a central wave. My tear ducts filled so fast. I couldn't see out of my eyes. They had become so full that my cup runneth over. The dam had been taken away and the tears run onto my cheeks through my beard. My body in shock still unable to move. My voice - gone. It was like yelling so loud and no one hearing you. The duration for this fit lasted 17 minutes. It seemed to perpetuate itself exponentially it came and went in full throttle.  I had to change my shirt. I was feeling extreme happiness, sadness, loss, and death all at once. 

I did not know what to do with this. It scared me. There have been a few scary moments in my life. In elementary school I would have these fits of anger. I would throw my desk, books, take down bulletin board and needed for someone to listen to me. No one did - instead just sent me down to the principles office. Nightmares started - the witch in the window, the devil on the playground, the chocolate statue, drowning in water, and falling into dreams with a pop.  Memories flashed before me of happiness, loss, sadness, and death. The tsunami of tears came in waves as I lay there frozen in time. 

I needed to hear him sing a song. His smile made me smile so big cheek to cheek. I was yelling - but it fell upon deaf ears. I needed a release. I found someone who would understand; another Libra. We discussed rituals, men's studies, college experiences and even listened to the same type of music. It was like he took part of my own music library. His stories about Copenhagen, Sweden, and Finland kept me interested. He understood me on a different level. It had been a while since anyone had stimulated my mind. He was interested in what I had to say, and I was interested in what he thought. It was very cerebral - like third eye insight.  This enabled me to accept the present as such, not relive the past and perpetuate it into the future. 

I asked for a hug. I needed one. I was met with four taps on the back. I was giving acceptance, love, and happiness. Not sure what I got in return but accepted it. I smiled - mesmerized myself with two blinks and flew away in my mind to write. 

Moon Messages

Taking a jog around the track under a bright orange moon was just what I had been waiting for a magical moment. The sign has been released after following me for nearly a month. It started at work. I was waiting for the yeast to rise to make donuts. I sat there on the ground having a cigarette and the sky opened its light. The first time it was a full moon with one star. I thought one is shining brighter than the other. I thought go ahead you can be the moon, and I will be the star and let you shine brighter than me.

The next month another full moon with two stars. The Big Dipper was above my head. I thought its a sign. I will be the moon this time, I deserve to shine brighter than you.  The next time the moon shown herself was tonight alone big and bright orange. My favorite color: orange.  I danced in the grass alone with a sense of easiness and freeness.

What is Pride

I sit here once again listening to music amidst the commotion around me. Being free is like this: You are standing tall looking ahead body erect and at full attention. You are in complete and utter happiness. That happiness you have in your face; that is pride.

I am taking four classes this semester, not the six I wanted. Two sociology classes: Cultural Diversity and Sexual Orientation both taught by my favorite professor. The other two are with a Native American of the Passamaquoddy tribe; Substance Abuse and Developmental Disability and Psychosocial Rehabilitation.

My sister, Amy is in two of my classes.

Christmas Past Christmas Present

I sit here at Bob’s with a coffee, half-smoked joint in the ashtray and a cigarette in my hand listening to Brittney Spears; Three. The light is emitting from a plugged-in plant light in back of me hanging on the white wall. The weather outside is a very brisk seven degrees; on this December 29th, 2009 evening at 9:35PM.

I got back from an eight-day trip to Hodgdon, Maine three days ago, saw my cardiologist yesterday afternoon and had court this morning. I had Bob drop me off at Greyhound Bus on Bates Street on the 19th. We had a twenty minute layover in Bangor. We switched onto the Cyr Bus line. When I arrived in Hodgdon Josh was waiting in a van with two cousins.

We drove to his mother’s house. Dave was in Caribou with his mom. Christmas Eve we drove to Carol’s house and spent some time with the family, where I was again introduced to his grandmother. The first time was at the hospital for Joshua’s Aunt Sally when we went to pick her and her husband up. Josh and I went to see Avatar at the local cinema.

Tina let me use the family car to go to the movies, rather then sitting around at the hospital. I parked the car in the front of the cinema. A van pulled up beside the drivers’ side with two adults and three kids. We walked inside got our tickets and Joshua pick out some seats in the front. The movie I concluded before seeing it was a virtual world like World of Warcraft with a camera inside following a few key characters. What a long movie, I moved around my butt in the chair changing positions many time trying to get comfortable. Another James Cameron movie, for those who have seen a great movie called Titanic, you know it’s long. The movie was about two main characters that connect through lying in a box, like a suntan bed, where they are sedated and live through a lab-created alien body in another world full of color. A virtual world where a person can breathe, run and talk to others with first-hand narration.

One evening I went to a Beano game at the tribes’ hall and went to a Christmas event for the kids of the tribe. Alex was a hungry girl. I had met Alex who was bartending at a bar in Presque Isle when Josh and I went up for a visit. After many snacks and determined to win she walked away at the end of the night with the money she had left over. Grandmother had one a hundred dollars that evening after grandfather had lost some money somewhere.

Joshua told me to look and see how integrated the Indian blood had gone. There were many more white children then those with a darker complexion. There was a long line for the children to see Santa Clause. They would go up and get a gift from Santa. Something I remember doing at a local hall when I was a child with my sisters and my dad’s family. I was probably eight years old of younger. When our name was called we would go up and go up and get a gift. We also went to the nunnery and got gifts from Sister Dalpe, Sister Annette and others, and the many years we got gifts from the staff at St Mary’s Hospital and the Grey Nun crew.

Christmas Eve we went to Carol’s. Grandmother and Grandfather were there. Grandfather caught a few winks of sleep on the couch with gifts under it and Christmas songs playing through the playstation. Sage was there.