A Visit to Stonewall

One of my stops for this New York trip was Stonewall. On the corner of Christopher Street is a store and then Stonewall. For those who are not versed in gay history, this is a registered landmark. Back in 1969 the Stonewall riots demonstrated a moment when gays stood together. As you cross the street you come to a park for Stonewall.


I was excited to learn that bars in New York are open till 4 a.m, compared to Maine where they close at 1 a.m. Dennis, Bill, and I went out to eat at  Friedmans after our adventure to Rockefeller Center to see the tree. Tons of people, many ethnicities and languages, taking pictures or trying to take selfies with the tree. On the corner lot was a lego store, displaying a Harry Potter castle. While we attempted to enter, there were just too many people inside the store, outside in line and ones that had taken a number to come back. Dennis suggested we go for a much-needed drink at Stonewall. We took the subway and walked about ten minutes past all the colleges. I noticed it first. The neon lights shining through the locked Stonewall Park. "Stonewall."

After figuring which door was the actual entrance we walked in. Nothing special in appearance. No surreal experience noted. There is a long wooden bar with stools all being occupied by locals. There is a pool table on the right with a few seating areas already starting to fill in occupancy. At the end of the bar is a light gray atm across from the bathrooms, but they do accept cards. There was rumored to be a second floor - at least from my research. We sat in the back at the table next to the large wall mirror. Across from the mirrored wall was a seating area. A boisterous black man dancing to the music is having a mixed drink while his male and female friend are enjoying beers. Naturally dancing with a mirror is good for seeing how much of a superstar you really are. Self dancing will be a whole 'nother posting, but you have to ask about that story.

Somehow I got edged to dance with him. I had gone outside for a cigarette and watched the tourists snap photos of the plaque and of themselves in front of the landmark. That bicardi and coke went down fast and I was back at the bar for another. There is a blonde guy drinking a beer with a female friend. I make some comment to Dennis about how funny it was to pretend to have a sip, when their beers are empty.

As I waited for my second drink at the end of the bar I continued to watch people go into a closed door on the right side of the atm. Could this be; the second door?

What goes on the second floor? The door opened and we went upstairs being the first people to explore. There was an oversized bouncer at the top of the stairs. We stayed for a while to see what kind of dancers or characters we may see. A few drunk straightish friends were dancing together while their friend was just vogueing it out on the floor, whether he had picked up the beat. Across the small dancefloor was another black guy smashing up the dance floor with his dancing. It would be only a few more days before Madonna showed up with her son for New Years. This was the week for Lady Bunny shows, which will become food for thought for tomorrow. Twenty-five dollar ticket with a minimum of two drink purchase.

Afflictions & Fits

A week ago I became afflicted by something most terrible. The darkest place of my soul had surfaced. There was no warning. It came as a tsunami leaving devastating blows to the fortress I had spent building up my whole life. I can be socially awkward - the type that is there without emotion. Much like the thinker sitting on the toilet thinking. I have a hard time responding to certain emotions and touches from others. This was the crack in the dark place in my soul I had wanted to cover up and not deal with. . . my emotions.

When I began my schooling to become a nurses assistant it was instilled for us to not get attached to the patients. It would interfere with doing our jobs. Taking care of people became nothing more than factory work. They were not people, they were just numbers, diagnoses, insurance companies, and procedures. Other co-workers had issues dealing with dead people they had became attached to. For me, it was part of the job and had nothing to do with the person. The facility wanted the body clean, packaged, and ready for pick up. The next patient was on their way and waiting on the bed. Nothing seemed to phase me the slightest, I could do deal with anything -- I did not have to feel. It was a sub-conscious decision. When my niece died I could handle all aspects and details without becoming afflicted. My grandparents died and I had no affliction. 

This was not hard to do for me. They rarely appeared. I stood there looking up at the sky at the moon. My eyes became wide as the light from the moon penetrated my dark eyes. My body unable to move. Memories flashed before my eyes of the past seven years. It was being pulled together in a central wave. My tear ducts filled so fast. I couldn't see out of my eyes. They had become so full that my cup runneth over. The dam had been taken away and the tears run onto my cheeks through my beard. My body in shock still unable to move. My voice - gone. It was like yelling so loud and no one hearing you. The duration for this fit lasted 17 minutes. It seemed to perpetuate itself exponentially it came and went in full throttle.  I had to change my shirt. I was feeling extreme happiness, sadness, loss, and death all at once. 

I did not know what to do with this. It scared me. There have been a few scary moments in my life. In elementary school I would have these fits of anger. I would throw my desk, books, take down bulletin board and needed for someone to listen to me. No one did - instead just sent me down to the principles office. Nightmares started - the witch in the window, the devil on the playground, the chocolate statue, drowning in water, and falling into dreams with a pop.  Memories flashed before me of happiness, loss, sadness, and death. The tsunami of tears came in waves as I lay there frozen in time. 

I needed to hear him sing a song. His smile made me smile so big cheek to cheek. I was yelling - but it fell upon deaf ears. I needed a release. I found someone who would understand; another Libra. We discussed rituals, men's studies, college experiences and even listened to the same type of music. It was like he took part of my own music library. His stories about Copenhagen, Sweden, and Finland kept me interested. He understood me on a different level. It had been a while since anyone had stimulated my mind. He was interested in what I had to say, and I was interested in what he thought. It was very cerebral - like third eye insight.  This enabled me to accept the present as such, not relive the past and perpetuate it into the future. 

I asked for a hug. I needed one. I was met with four taps on the back. I was giving acceptance, love, and happiness. Not sure what I got in return but accepted it. I smiled - mesmerized myself with two blinks and flew away in my mind to write. 

Moon Messages

Taking a jog around the track under a bright orange moon was just what I had been waiting for a magical moment. The sign has been released after following me for nearly a month. It started at work. I was waiting for the yeast to rise to make donuts. I sat there on the ground having a cigarette and the sky opened its light. The first time it was a full moon with one star. I thought one is shining brighter than the other. I thought go ahead you can be the moon, and I will be the star and let you shine brighter than me.

The next month another full moon with two stars. The Big Dipper was above my head. I thought its a sign. I will be the moon this time, I deserve to shine brighter than you.  The next time the moon shown herself was tonight alone big and bright orange. My favorite color: orange.  I danced in the grass alone with a sense of easiness and freeness.

What is Pride

I sit here once again listening to music amidst the commotion around me. Being free is like this: You are standing tall looking ahead body erect and at full attention. You are in complete and utter happiness. That happiness you have in your face; that is pride.

I am taking four classes this semester, not the six I wanted. Two sociology classes: Cultural Diversity and Sexual Orientation both taught by my favorite professor. The other two are with a Native American of the Passamaquoddy tribe; Substance Abuse and Developmental Disability and Psychosocial Rehabilitation.

My sister, Amy is in two of my classes.